Tag Archives: Motherhood

Hatred of the Mother

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When my eldest daughter was around four years old, I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up.  She replied that she wanted to be a mother…of a hundred children.  At such a tender age, she was able to observe the mother flame or energy in action and knew it was something she wanted to become one day.  Most women know from a very young age that they want to become mothers one day.  It is almost an inborn thing.  No one needs to tell you that motherhood is something you should want.  It’s a desire we are born with.  All that love, energy and attention we have within us need somewhere to be channelled to.  All the wisdom we acquire and life lessons we learn need someone to whom we can pass them on.  Motherhood is a beautiful, wondrous thing and despite how difficult it can get, it is the fulfilment of a deep longing within us.  The planet itself would not exist without that loving, nurturing, birthing mother energy that ensures the survival of the species. It is something that should be honoured, celebrated and embraced by all. 

Sadly, the mother energy is one of the most hated energies on this planet, second only perhaps to the feminine energy.  It beats all logic why this energy should be so despised given the fact that we would not survive as a species without it.  As soon as one gives birth, they suddenly come face to face with this intense hatred directed at motherhood that one would never have imagined existed before they had children.  The problem is that we have co-existed with it for so long that we almost don’t see it at all.  But it is all around us and it hits one like a ton of bricks as soon as the initial joy of giving birth starts subsiding.   Those who don’t have children may wonder what I am talking about while those who do have children may not be aware of just how intense this hatred is because we have lived with it for so long that it became the only way we know how to exist.  But I can assure you that whether you sense it or not, there is intense hatred of the mother energy on this planet and it is something we need to become aware of if we are to rise above it.

… I can assure you that whether you sense it or not, there is intense hatred of the mother energy on this planet and it is something we need to become aware of if we are to rise above it.

Let’s start with what a woman is faced with once she becomes a mother.  In our African context, once you become a mother you are considered damaged goods.  In other words, it becomes very hard for someone to want you as a wife if you already have children.  It’s almost as if the children soil you in some way.  What a shameful attitude.  How is it possible that going through the most beautiful, life-giving experience somehow makes you damaged goods?  And yet this is an attitude that is prevalent in Africa and other parts of the world.  We have grown so accustomed to this attitude that we don’t even question it.  The more children you have, the less valuable you become.  A lot of men here say that they could maybe accept a woman with one child but not more than that.  And they consider themselves heroes for the fact that they can accept a woman with one child.  This is something you hear stated all the time, but do we ever stop to ask ourselves where this attitude, this intense hatred of the mother energy comes from?  Why do we accept it as if it was the most normal attitude for a person to have?  How comes we don’t have the same attitude towards fathers?   Men who have children do not have a corresponding hatred directed towards them.  Why would we hate the very energy that nurtures us and brings forth life on the planet?  It beats all logic.  The message this sends to women is that motherhood makes them less desirable, less valuable and less attractive.  You can imagine the cognitive dissonance this causes women.  On the one hand, you look forward to becoming a mother but on the other hand, you know that once you become a mother you are quite literally “damaged”.

There are many other ways mothers are devalued and we have become so accustomed to it that we don’t even stop to question it.  Bringing up a child is no joke; it is hard work especially in the early days.  But mothers have to do this alone unless they happen to have a supportive husband which is rare.  This is why some women end up getting postpartum depression and society just acts as if there is something wrong with them for getting depressed after giving birth.  But the miracle I think is that not all women end up depressed after giving birth.  It’s worse in the modern age because the extended family structure has been broken. This is especially true in the west where people are brainwashed into thinking that it is a sin to live with your extended family.  We are supposed to be “independent”. Everyone is supposed to move out of their parents’ houses as quickly as possible and any delay in doing so is judged harshly by society.  Older parents are quickly sent to expensive care homes, which makes no sense because the extended family structure is the very one that would offer support, especially to mothers.  Why is it that we work so hard to arrange society in the most inconvenient way possible?  It just beats all logic.

We need to question some of these beliefs we hold so dearly and ask ourselves where they came from.  Who benefits when society is broken up and support structures dismantled?  Think about it.  Without support structures, people need to work non-stop looking for food, rent, clothing and other basic needs.  We literally have to work to live, all so that we can work some more.  We do not have the luxury to stop running the treadmill.  Who benefits the most from this?  Well, just follow the money as they say.  The ones who make money off of everyone remaining on the treadmill are the ones who benefit the most from the break up of the extended family structure.  Plain and simple, it’s the elites.  The industrialists, the factory owners, the business owners.  They’re the ones who brainwashed us into believing that we need to be independent, we need to be on our own.  This ensures we get trapped in the nine to five routine that benefits them while hurting us.  Have you ever wondered why babies have to be trained from birth to be independent by leaving them alone in their rooms to cry it out?  It’s because independence is a very unnatural thing that goes counter to how we are created as human beings.  We are created to be close to each other and live in oneness with each other.   The only way this instinct can be broken is by brutally training a child from birth to learn that there is no one coming, they are on their own and they have to learn to survive on their own. 

Another way we see this hatred of the mother energy is in the way women are treated at the workplace once they have children.  I remember when I interviewed for my first job, one of the questions I was asked was whether I intended to get children.  Naturally, I said yes and although this didn’t stop me from getting the job, it just exposed the negative attitude employers have towards motherhood.  It is an inconvenience, an unwelcome interruption for the organisation.  When I was expecting my third child, my boss called me aside for a pep-talk.  Had I considered a more effective form of birth control?  Could my husband maybe consider getting the snip?  I wish I was making this up but I’m not.  This was an actual conversation I had with my boss.  As you can imagine, motherhood was anything but celebrated at my workplace even though they made a few token efforts to show their support of motherhood such as introducing a creche for new mothers.  But the underlying attitude was one of irritation at having to make the necessary adjustments to accommodate a pregnant worker.  I don’t blame my former employer because this attitude is merely representative of the attitude in the wider community.  The negative attitude towards mothers needs to be changed at the wider community level.  No amount of superficial “benefits” by employers can disguise the underlying hatred of the mother energy that is present in society.

What about the hit mothers take to their careers once they start getting children?  If we lived in a society that supported motherhood this would not be the case.  Employers would willingly make the adjustments necessary to support motherhood, from flexitime to working from home to part-time work to job sharing without punishing mothers by withholding promotions or making them feel like they are not fully committed to the job because they have other responsibilities to attend to.  This expectation employers have that people should be one hundred per cent committed to their jobs is simply ridiculous and it’s unclear why we tolerate it.  Employers do not expect employees to even hint at having other things in life apart from their jobs.  You do whatever is expected of you, you come in early and leave late and work over weekends if you have to.  It is almost as if we were put on this earth solely to be employees and nothing else matters.  It is considered a sin to even look like you have other priorities in life apart from your employer.  It is completely unreasonable what employers expect of their employees.  Even taking a sick child to the hospital is considered a waste of precious employer time.  HOW DID WE GET HERE?!

This expectation employers have that people should be one hundred per cent committed to their jobs is simply ridiculous and it’s unclear why we tolerate it. 

Another form of hatred of the mother energy is the hatred that is directed towards our mother earth.  If you consider that the planet is our mother because it nurtures us and provides for our needs, then you’ll realize that many among us have an intense hatred towards the earth.   There are people whose attitude towards the earth is one of wanting to loot and plunder and mine and extract until everything is finished and the land is laid bare.  They have no love for the earth, no desire to preserve or protect and no remorse for their destructive activities.  Left to their own devices, these people would continue mindlessly robbing the planet of all that is good until we have no planet left to live in.  These people cut down forests and release toxic gases into the air which mess up the environment and cause the climate change we are all panicking about.  They release waste products into the oceans with no concern for the damage they cause.  They mindlessly pursue profit over everything and will continue doing so unless they are stopped by those who care for the planet.  They produce more and more nuclear weapons with no regard for how this endangers us all.  They have no conscience and will not stop until everything on the planet is destroyed.  What is this attitude if not hatred of the mother energy?  How do you destroy that which nurtures you and is the only home we have?

We need to wake up and become conscious of the intense mother hatred that is present on this planet and refuse to continue existing in such a toxic, self-defeating environment.  We need to protect mothers, honour them, support them and surround them with love as they undertake this very important role of bringing forth life.  We need to reject all forms of mother hatred including hatred of the planet because without it we will not have a home.

The Agony of Being a Mother in a Hostile Planet

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As soon as I started writing this article, something interesting happened.  When I wrote down the word mother in the heading, the auto-correct function immediately kicked in and underlined the word.  When I checked to see what the error was, I was surprised to find that auto-correct didn’t want me to capitalize the word mother.  Apparently, it’s supposed to be in small letters, even in the heading.  The same rule doesn’t apply to the word father, I was surprised to note.  So, it’s okay to capitalize the word father but not the word mother.  That alone tells me exactly how mothers are regarded on this planet.  They are less.  They don’t even deserve the honour of being capitalized in an article in which they are the main topic.  Need I say more, or should I just rest my case on this bleak note?

The coronavirus pandemic brought into sharp focus the agony of being a mother on this planet.  Suddenly, what has always been known but denied or simply ignored was pushed into the public consciousness in a way that was impossible to ignore.  We’ve always known what a raw deal it is to be a mother on this planet but it’s almost as if the universe had had enough of this state of affairs and was trying to tell us look, people!  There’s a serious problem here!  Sort it out! 

How mothers have been surviving going to work, taking care of their children, taking care of husbands, taking care of extended family, running their homes and remaining sane is a complete mystery.  When the pandemic started, mothers were expected to quietly take on additional roles while still working full-time from home or at the workplace for those who couldn’t work from home.  We were expected to become teachers to our children while gladly taking on the extra duties, not to mention the expense, that comes with having the family home all day.  All this while being shamed for wanting schools to reopen faster.  You don’t love your kids!  You’re spoilt!  You don’t want to take care of your children; you’d rather ship them off to school for someone else to care of.  It’s about time you experienced what it’s like to take care of your kids.  That was the narrative at the time.  If you wanted schools to reopen, it was because you couldn’t stand to be with your kids. 

How mothers have been surviving going to work, taking care of their children, taking care of husbands, taking care of extended family, running their homes and remaining sane is a complete mystery. 

Well, we all know how that turned out.  After a few months out of school, girls started getting pregnant, some of them after being defiled by relatives.  Some were married off as they were no longer in the protective environment provided by the school.  Children who used to get a meal in school were no longer getting that much-needed meal, which was a problem in both the developed and developing world, from America to India to Africa.  In some parts of the world, girls were circumcised, a practice that being in school protects them from.  Education systems that had been steadily progressing over decades were set back to levels last seen ages ago.  Will this decline be reversed?  What about the lives that were ruined, the children who will never go back to school once the pandemic is over, who cares about them?  What about what is happening in countries like Uganda where the education system came to a standstill, who cares about that?  But when mothers were crying for their children to go back to school, we were mocked and made to feel that we were being spoilt.  What a cruel, uncaring world we live in.

It’s ironic if you think about it, the pressure women experience to become mothers, almost as if it’s the most wonderful thing one could ever experience.  Before you become a mother, motherhood is packaged as something desirable, something to look forward to, a role you have been preparing for since you were born.  Any delays in starting to bear children once you reach marriageable and childbearing age is regarded with disapproval and outright hostility.  Why aren’t you having children yet, the world snarls at you?  Is there something wrong with you?  What are you still waiting for?  Your biological clock is ticking, get on with it.  And we comply, most of us do.   We joyfully and eagerly become mothers, little suspecting what awaits us on the other side.  Once we have children, the same world that passive-aggressively urged us to do so suddenly changes tact and starts sending subtle, unspoken messages about who we are now that we are mothers.  We are no longer desirable.  We are no longer attractive.  We are no longer marketable.  We are no longer competent.  We are no longer people but unpeople who should exist behind the scenes, seen but not heard.  We no longer deserve to take care of ourselves, dress well or spend money on ourselves but all our energy, attention and resources should now go to our children, our families.  We should fade into the background, disappear, accept that we no longer play a meaningful role in society as we have fulfilled our primary reason for existing which is to bear children.  We have done our duty and we are now dismissed.  

Anyone who is a mother knows what I’m talking about.  You know how you lose your identity and become mama so and so.  You know how you become unseen.  You know very well that feeling you get when you have to ask for permission at work for the hundredth time because your child is sick, your child is having a function at school, or the nanny just walked out on you and you can’t leave the children alone.  Why don’t you just get your act together?  Do you know what your priorities are?  Do you want to work or are you just playing around with your job?  Did you really take your child to the hospital or did you just want to give yourself a day off?  Did you need to spend the whole day with your sick child or could you have come to work after taking them to the hospital?  Oh, you want to be leaving work early to pick your kids from school?  Are you serious?  Oh, you want flexi-time that will allow you to come to work late so that you spend more time with your children?  Why don’t you just go ahead and say what you really want?  You don’t want to work, do you?  You want to be a stay-at-home mum, doing nothing all day, you lazy thing.  Oh, and you want a promotion!  You want more money!  Is that some sick joke? 

You know very well that feeling you get when you have to ask for permission at work for the hundredth time because your child is sick, your child is having a function at school, or the nanny just walked out on you and you can’t leave the children alone. 

The thing we need to ask ourselves is why the role of mothers isn’t acknowledged or appreciated.  What if in future no one wants to be a mother because our consciousness is raised to the point that we begin to ask ourselves, what I’m I doing this for?  Why do I need to give up my body as a conduit for the survival of the species only to be despised once I do so?  Why do I need this?  One day, women are just going to stop and ask themselves, who said I have to be a mother?  I don’t need this.  There is no support for me from the state, from society or anyone else for that matter.  And when no one wants to have babies anymore, maybe we will wake up to the important role mothers play and start treating them better.  Look at what’s happening in many European countries.  Nobody wants to give birth.  And why should they?  Look at China.  They spent decades making it a crime to be a mother, punishable by forced abortion.  Now suddenly they realize that their population won’t sustain itself and they turn around and want women to give birth.  They are still under the illusion that motherhood is a switch you can turn on and off at will, but it is proving to be much more complicated than they imagined.  How long before this becomes a planet-wide problem where nobody wants to give birth?  How short-sighted, to despise the very people upon which the survival of the species depends.

When you become a mother, you quickly realize that you’re on your own.  The state doesn’t care about you.  There is no help for you.  Woe unto you if you are poor and struggle to feed your children.  It’s your fault.  There is no acknowledgement that what you have just accomplished is an essential service to the country, to the planet.   How many women are abandoned by their partners to raise children on their own?  In the developed world, at least you have laws that force someone to support their child even if they are not married to the mother, but what about here in the undeveloped world?  How many fathers abandon their children with impunity especially when the mothers are too poor or uneducated to know what to do about it?  And beyond that, when are we ever as a species going to get to a point where raising children is the responsibility of the state and not the parents?  I believe this is the next step we need to take where motherhood is recognized as the essential service it is and thus something the state needs to be responsible for.  By this, I mean in terms of providing free education, free child care and a stipend for feeding, clothing and housing the children.  This is not an impossible or unreasonable dream.  Some of course will scream that this is an impossibility, but it is only because they are not able to see motherhood as a service to the planet that no one should have to be punished for. 

Many of us are starting to crack, so heavy has the burden of motherhood become.  We can’t do it anymore.  We can’t pretend to be superwomen anymore.  Many of us are leaving our jobs, not because we don’t need the income but because we can’t hack it anymore.  The weight that has been placed on us by an uncaring planet has become too much to bear and we are finally throwing up our hands and giving ourselves up to the universe to do with us as she wants.  Let the mothers now be mothered by someone else.