Trauma bonding is a bond that is formed between an abuser and their victim due to a recurring pattern of punishment and reward that keeps the victim tied to the abuser and unable to break free.  It is a kind of conditioning or programming that causes the victim to respond in unhealthy ways to a toxic person.  The beginning stages of trauma bonds are formed when the abuser love-bombs the victim, causing a massive release of feel-good hormones such as dopamine and oxytocin.  The love bombing is quickly followed by narcissistic abuse which appears suddenly and unexpectedly, plunging the victim into a downward spiral of shock and betrayal that can be compared to a drug addict going into withdrawal.  The victim is left longing for the high, just like a drug addict longs for the high they receive from drugs.  Thus begins the cycle of punishment and reward that traps the victim in a neurochemical bondage, no different from drug addiction.  With time, the abuse gets worse while the rewards become rare, meaning the victim has no reason at all to remain in the relationship yet they find themselves unable to leave.  When trying to understand why the victim doesn’t simply leave the abuser, we need to understand that the victim is struggling with an addiction, the same way a drug addict struggles with drug addiction. 

The beginning stages of trauma bonds are formed when the abuser love-bombs the victim, causing a massive release of feel-good hormones such as dopamine and oxytocin.  The love bombing is quickly followed by narcissistic abuse which appears suddenly and unexpectedly, plunging the victim into a downward spiral of shock and betrayal that can be compared to a drug addict going into withdrawal.

Most of us have grown up with an idea of “falling in love” that comes from the media, which equates falling in love with being under someone’s spell – thinking about them constantly, longing to be with them all the time, being unable to think rationally and giving up your autonomy for the sake of the person you fall in love with. This unfortunately sets us up to form trauma bonds with narcissists.  If we expect love to look like the version we see in movies, we become prime targets for narcissists because we mistake the neurochemical addiction that occurs with love.  We need to understand that love should not feel like an addiction and should not be painful or an emotional roller-coaster.  Love should be joyful, harmonious and fulfilling. 

Signs of trauma bonding:

1. The victim defends the relationship even though everyone around them has a negative reaction towards it.  When friends, family members or others tell you that they don’t like the person you’re in a relationship with, it is wise to listen to what they have to say.  If you find that you constantly have to defend your relationship, then there may be something you are not seeing.  Many times, people outside the relationship can be more objective than you can.  The reality is that many people, especially those who have been brought up by a narcissistic parent will not be able to detect when they are being emotionally abused.  They may be so used to living with narcissistic abuse that they lose their ability to see it when it is happening to them.  However painful it may be, listening to what others have to say about your relationship, especially those who love you and have nothing to gain from breaking up your relationship is the smart thing to do.
2. The victim is obsessed with the abuser even after they leave.  A victim of trauma bonding will be unable to forget the abuser even when they abandon them.  The victim continues longing for the abuser, missing him and hoping he will come back.  The victim becomes trapped in an unending cycle of abuse, abandonment and betrayal followed by love.  The victim is unable to move on as they are left longing for a return to the loving times.  This means that the victim remains suspended, waiting for the abuser to give them the love they so desperately crave.  Even though the abuser caused them immense pain, they feel like they cannot live without them.
3. Others are horrified at something that has happened but the victim isn’t.  The abuser may physically hurt the victim or engage in unacceptable behaviour, but the victim is unable to see the seriousness of the matter.  The victim may insist that the abuser has changed or has apologised and they do not seem to be aware of just how serious the abuse is.  This is a clear sign of trauma bonding.
4. The victim feels loyal to the abuser and hides secrets that would be damaging to the abuser.  The victim shows loyalty to the abuser even though it is completely undeserved.  The victim identifies with the abuser and protects them, keeping the truth about the abuse to themselves.  In this way, the abuser goes on with their lives and even abuses others without the threat of being exposed. 
5. The victim continues to seek contact with the abuser even though it will cause them pain.  This creates a cycle of breaking up and coming back together or the on-again-off-again type of relationship.  Even though the abuser constantly betrays and hurts the victim, the victim is unable to stay away.  This is why they say that it takes seven attempts before a victim finally breaks free from an abusive relationship.  Even though the relationship is bad for them, they keep going back.  The victim essentially becomes alienated from themselves and is unable to protect themselves.  That instinct of self-preservation that motivates us to protect ourselves from harm is broken and the sense of self is shattered.  The victim becomes conditioned to act in ways that are contrary to their own self-interest. 
6. The victim becomes drawn to dangerous individuals.  As a result of being in an abusive relationship, the victim develops a pattern in which they seek out or are attracted to dangerous individuals.  It is almost as if they want to keep replaying their initial abuse or find such relationships thrilling.  This is why it is so important to take time to heal after an abusive relationship before getting into another relationship.  If you were in an abusive relationship and managed to get out, it is advisable to take time to understand why you ended up in such a relationship in the first place and to heal whatever wounds caused you to end up with such a person.  Failure to do so risks repeating the same pattern over and over again.
7. The victim tries to change or save the abuser instead of just walking away.  Many victims of abuse find themselves obsessively trying to change the abuser or feeling like they are the only ones who can save them.  They develop a martyr complex which causes them to feel compelled to sacrifice themselves for the sake of the abuser.  They are convinced that the abuser is a good person deep inside and that if they only make enough of an effort, the abuser will eventually change.  But the reality is that abusers rarely change.  The idea that you will change them is delusional.  The best thing is to walk away and realise that it is not your responsibility or burden to change a toxic person.
8. The victim will go overboard in helping the abuser.  Many abusers not only treat their victims badly but also commandeer their resources such as money or property.  You will find victims who go out of their way to give money to the abuser or get them out of all sorts of situations.  Even though the abuser has consistently proven themselves untrustworthy and unreliable, the victim will continue going out of their way to help them.    In the end, the abuser may even take over the victim’s resources leaving them completely at their mercy.
9. The victim cannot leave the abuser even though they do not like, trust or care for the abuser.   Trauma bonding is like drug addiction.  Even though the victim does not like, trust or care for the abuser, they find themselves unable to leave.  They will find ways to justify their continued attachment to the abuser, but the reality is that they are trapped in a cycle of reward and punishment that keeps them longing for the ever-decreasing crumbs of love that the abuser tosses their way.  Even after they see the abuser for what he is, they still find it difficult to break the bond.  It takes an almost herculean effort to break the emotional ties that bind the victims to the abuser.
10. The victim continues to play along even when things become dangerous or destructive. The victim is unable to leave the abuser even when their physical safety is compromised.  Despite physical or sexual abuse, or even when loved ones beg them to leave, they continue staying with the abuser.  They lose the desire or ability to resist the abuser, which is why in extreme cases, victims end up being killed by the abuser. 
11. The victim continues trying to get the abuser to like them even though they clearly don’t care.  The victim will try to do nice things for the abuser to get their attention.  They will be kind to the abuser and become almost a doormat in an effort to please the abuser.  They will walk on eggshells around the abuser, afraid to do anything that would anger them.  Even when the abuser clearly shows that they do not care about them, the victim does everything in their power to get the abuser to show them the love they once showed them.
12. The victim trusts the abuser again and again even though they have proven unreliable.  The victim uses emotional thinking when it comes to the abuser, i.e., they are unable to think logically or make logical decisions.  Whenever the abuser abuses them, they manage to find ways to excuse the abusive behaviour – the abuser didn’t mean it, he was tired, the victim did something to annoy him, he will change, the victim just needs to try harder, no one understands the abuser, etc.  The victim gives the abuser opportunity after opportunity to hurt them and never seems to learn from past actions.  Just like drug addicts, they lose their ability to think rationally. It takes a tremendous amount of effort to overcome this way of thinking and stop making excuses for the abuser.
13. The victim chooses to stay in conflict with the abuser even though it would cost them nothing to walk away.  The victim becomes so attached to the abuser that they engage in explosive fights with them rather than simply walk away from the relationship.  Even when the relationship becomes so toxic that it makes no sense to continue in it, the victim stays put.  They become afraid of losing the relationship even though they do not benefit in any way from being in a relationship with the abuser. 
14. The abuser’s talent, charisma or contributions cause the victim to overlook destructive, exploitative or degrading behaviour.  When the abuser is wealthy, a celebrity or in other ways an important person in society, the victim convinces themselves that they need to remain in the relationship.  They view the abuser as superior to them and are unable to appreciate their own self-worth.  They feel flattered by the abuser’s attention which causes them to ignore the abuse.  This is why we hear of celebrities abusing people with impunity.  Their wealth and position in society shield them from being answerable for their crimes. 
15. The victim stays in a relationship longer than they should.  Long after the relationship has become toxic and unbearable, the victim remains with the abuser using all sorts of justifications.  They may have children together, joint property or businesses, or they may be unwilling to leave due to their history together.  The victim is unable to see themselves as an individual deserving of happiness and a fulfilled life.  They see themselves only as part of a couple.  They are unable to envision life without the abuser.  They may become so accustomed to the abuse that they normalise it and minimise it.  Their self-worth is completely shattered by years of emotional abuse. 
16. The victim sees how the abuser abuses others but thinks of themselves as the exception.  In some cases, the victim is so convinced that the abuser loves them that even though they see how badly he treats other people, they still believe that they are the exception.  The victim is unable to see that they too are a victim of the abuser.  They think the abuser would never treat them badly because they are special or loved.  Getting them to open their eyes and see the abuser for what he is may take quite some effort.
17. The victim internally sees the abuser as their controller.  This causes the victim to constantly have internal conversations in which they justify themselves to the abuser.  Whatever they do, they see the abuser as the one whose approval they need.  They see themselves through the judgmental eyes of the abuser, feeling shame when they feel like they are letting them down or feeling as if they need to live up to the abuser’s expectations.  The abuser becomes like God to the victim, the person they see looking over their shoulder in everything they do.  The abuser is given too much power in the victim’s life, causing them to always conform to the abuser’s wishes.  It takes intense introspection for the victim to become aware of the amount of control the abuser has over them.

How to overcome trauma bonding:

1. Recognize the trauma bond – One of the greatest barriers to overcoming trauma bonding is recognizing that you have one.  Even though we may be aware that we are in a toxic relationship with someone, in most cases people just don’t realize that they have formed a trauma bond with the person.  They do not understand that the reason they cannot simply leave even though they recognize the abuse is that they have formed a trauma bond with them.  People who have been brought up by narcissistic parents are particularly prone to this.  People in close relationships with psychopaths are also blind to their abusive nature due to their charming facades.  If you’re in a toxic relationship which you are unable to leave even though you would like to, you should consider that you may have a trauma bond with the person. 
2. Therapy – Breaking a trauma bond sometimes requires therapy.   This is especially true for people who are trapped in abusive relationships with people who won’t easily let them go.  Many abusers will not just casually let their victims go – the reason they abuse their victims is precisely because they want to keep them bound to themselves.  In extreme cases, some people could be trapped in cults or other organised groups that ritually abuse them in order to control them.   These abusers will not just let them go without a fight.  Such trauma bonds cannot be broken through sheer willpower – they require therapy from knowledgeable psychologists.
3. No contact – Once you realize that you have a trauma bond with someone, the best way to break it is to break off all contact with the person.  Trauma bonds are the hardest relationships to break because of the emotional, addictive element.  The way we respond to the abuser is a conditioned response.  The brain is conditioned to bypass normal, rational thinking and therefore breaking free is as difficult as breaking a drug addiction.  It will require great determination to break off contact with the person.  You will need to block them on all social media, email, phone, etc.  It might mean changing your phone number so that the person can’t reach you.  It may be difficult at first but with time it gets easier as the brain adjusts to functioning without the constant highs and lows. 
4. Limit contact – In cases where it is completely impossible to break off contact, for example if you are co-parenting with the person, try as much as possible to limit contact with the person.  Don’t talk to them unless it is absolutely necessary.  Avoid face-to-face meetings or phone calls that could devolve into shouting matches.  Determine the most impersonal way of communicating such as email or short, factual text messages and stick to that.  Create as much distance between the two of you to weaken and eventually break the trauma bond.
5. Stop emotional thinking – The reason many people keep going back to abusive relationships is that they develop emotional thinking which keeps sabotaging their efforts to break free.  Rather than use logic, they default to a way of thinking that allows them to justify going back to the abuser.  Even if the person has proven again and again that they are unreliable, the victim still convinces themselves that this time will be different.  Even if the person has clearly shown through their bad treatment that they do not love the victim, they continue telling themselves that the abuser loves them.  Even if they have shown themselves to be an abusive, cruel person, the victim still tells themselves that deep down they are a good person.  In other words, the victim is not using logic because their brain is bypassing the logical, analytical mind.  If you recognise this type of thinking in yourself, you’ll need to counter the lies with cold logic based on an observation of the abuser’s behaviour.    
6. Honour your feelings – Another reason it is so hard to break trauma bonding is that the victim learns to bury their feelings and does not trust that what they feel is valid.  They learn that their feelings are unimportant and therefore they learn to suppress them.  If they were brought up by a narcissistic parent, this process would have started from early childhood and will be their default way of being.  To break this pattern, you need to recognize that your feelings are just as important as anyone else’s.  Listen to what your body tells you and know that it is valid and should not be ignored. 
7. Enforce boundaries – Victims of abuse usually find it hard to enforce boundaries.  They have learnt that their needs are not important and that they should put other people’s needs before their own.  Therefore, they allow people to treat them badly over and over again.  One of the hardest things for such people is to say no to bad treatment.  They are reluctant to appear rude or hurt someone else’s feelings.  What they don’t understand is that the person they are so eager to protect has no similar feelings towards them.  The abuser will have no qualms about hurting them or treating them badly.  It is therefore their responsibility to enforce boundaries and make the decision not to accept abusive behaviour.