There’s an interesting phrase a lot of women use whenever they say anything negative about men: ‘Not all men’. It’s a disclaimer, an apology almost, that women feel compelled to add any time they criticise men. It’s as if they’re telling the men who are listening, “Don’t worry, I’m not talking about you. I’m talking about the bad ones. I know you’re among the good ones. This doesn’t apply to you. Don’t get mad.” Because we all know what men do if they don’t like what you’re saying. They abuse you; they threaten you; they dogpile your comments section; they basically make you wish you had never opened your mouth. And honestly? I am tired of this disclaimer. All it does is make every man who listens to the women feel that whatever they are saying doesn’t apply to them. And it makes women believe that the ‘good men’ are just around the corner, if only they keep searching long enough. It gaslights women into believing that the bad experiences they have with men are just unfortunate anomalies in a system that otherwise works well. It makes women feel as if it’s their fault when things go wrong, for not choosing better, for not seeing the red flags, or for moving too quickly. If only they had done something differently, the belief goes, they would have had different results. So next time, they should try harder. Be more careful. Choose better. This disclaimer basically transfers the blame from the men who collectively uphold the patriarchal system to the women who are its victims.
My question is, if it’s not all men, where are the good men hiding? Why do women struggle so much to find good men? Why do most women have horror stories about experiences they have had with men? Why do women keep warning other women about men? If it were only a few bad apples, then these experiences would not be universal. If most men were good, then most women would easily find good men without having to spend years searching for the good ones. Women need to face the reality that has been staring them in the face for a very long time. There’s no such thing as a good man, because all men support the patriarchal system that oppresses women. They may not all be violent, or rapists or murderers. But they all support the system, even if it’s through their silence and their refusal to call out other men.
The patriarchal system could not have survived this long, for thousands of years, if it were being upheld by only a few men. Every single man on the planet supports the system, which is why the system has lasted for so long. For too long, women have been willing participants in their own oppression because they kept telling themselves that if only they could work harder, make themselves prettier, be more patient, be more submissive, be more loving, then the right man would eventually come along. God would surely reward them with a good man. Meanwhile, men continue to uphold the patriarchal system, each one of them a cog in a giant wheel that keeps the system running.
The deafening silence of the ‘good men’
A few months ago, I watched a viral video of a woman being beaten by a man during a concert in Kenya. The video caused much outrage, as such videos normally do, almost as if violence against women was a new concept in Kenya. What struck me most, though, was the fact that in the video, several men stood nearby casually observing the scene as if nothing significant was happening. Not one of them lifted a finger to help the woman. These men most likely think of themselves as good men. They would probably never physically assault, rape or murder a woman. But does that make them good men? No! If you can stand by and watch a person being brutalised and do nothing, then you are no better than the person who is doing the brutalising. It means that inwardly you agree with what he is doing, even though you may not do it yourself. And this is where the road meets the rubber. Most men fall into the category of men who will silently watch women being abused and do nothing. It doesn’t cause them sleepless nights. It doesn’t disturb them enough to call for something to be done about violence against women by their fellow men.
In Kenya, if you hear a woman screaming due to domestic violence, the correct response is to do nothing. It is none of your business. The man is disciplining his wife, and he has every right to do so. It is a domestic issue, and it has nothing to do with you. If the woman goes to the police, most likely nothing will be done about it, or the man’s relatives will interfere to ensure he doesn’t face justice. That is why women don’t bother reporting domestic violence or crimes such as rape. They will probably not be taken seriously. Men routinely look the other way when other men commit crimes against women. There are websites and channels that teach men how to rape their wives and partners. These forums have tens of thousands of men, yet none of these men ever feels the need to report the crimes. There are WhatsApp groups that allow men to share non-consensual nude photos of their partners. These photos were probably shared by women who genuinely thought they were in a loving relationship. None of the men in these groups ever feels the need to call out their fellow men or report to the police. Why is it that men can do such things without the fear of being reported by other men? It’s because men operate by a code of silence, a sort of omerta that means that men need never fear that their fellow men will do anything to hold them accountable.
Men hold all the power, yet do not hold other men accountable
Most positions of power in society are held by men. This is true in the political arena, in religion, in corporations and on the home front. The father holds the power in most homes. Most world leaders and politicians are men. Most church leaders are men. Most billionaires are men. Most corporations are headed by men. Everywhere you look, men are the ones in positions of power. And yet this power is never used to hold other men accountable. In fact, this power is used to allow men to get away with crimes against women. Look at the Epstein files. Most of the perpetrators were men, and yet only one woman was ever held accountable. Look at the abuse in churches. The priests were abusing young boys while the authorities in Rome did their best to hide the rot. Look at human trafficking. The perpetrators are mostly men, trafficking women for other men to abuse. If the authorities were to take the abuse of women seriously, these crimes could be stopped. But just the same way Epstein was protected, the people carrying out the trafficking of girls are protected by powerful men.
On the global stage, it’s the same thing. Look at what Israel is doing in Gaza and Lebanon. Who will hold Benjamin Netanyahu accountable? Who will hold Donald Trump accountable for bombing Iran? Who will hold Vladimir Putin accountable for bombing Ukraine? The weapons that are going to these countries to fight these wars are coming from so-called developed countries. Who will hold Emmanuel Macron, Keir Starmer and Friedrich Merz accountable for sending weapons to kill people in other countries? Men apparently can do whatever they want on this planet, and nobody can do anything about it.
Let’s come closer home. Kenyans can do nothing but watch as their president invites the United States and France to set up military bases in their country. We already have the United Kingdom’s military base, which has been accused of committing many crimes against Kenyans. Can’t our leaders learn from history? How do you invite the same people who colonised and enslaved Africans the same way our forefathers did hundreds of years ago? Our president is gradually selling our country back into colonialism, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Public institutions that were built over decades are being sold off, which will most likely lead to job losses and more expensive services. Debt and corruption abound because this is what men do when they get power. And yet, religion teaches us that it is women we must be afraid of. Because Eve ate the fruit, women can never be trusted to hold power. Only men can be entrusted with power, even though it is obvious to anyone with eyes that all men do is abuse power and cause suffering.
Men have no empathy for women
Men as a collective have no empathy for women. This is the sad reality that women need to come to terms with. Women keep asking men: What if that was your sister, or your mother, or your daughter? Sorry to burst your bubble, but men just don’t care. This argument has never moved any man to protect women, because the patriarchy is more important to men than women’s safety. How do you expect men to protect women when it is men who have been selling their daughters to other men through the institution of marriage? Why would you expect men to have empathy for women when they watched their own fathers treat their mothers with disrespect? Why would you expect men to go against a patriarchy that promises them a woman to cater to their every need, bear them children, ensure the continuation of their lineage, and run their homes so that they never have to think about domestic matters? I don’t know if women understand just how good men have it. They are never going to willingly give up this power over women just because we ask them to think about ‘what if that was your daughter?’
Most men do not see women as human beings. They see them as sexual objects, maids, and child bearers. They need women the way you need an appliance that makes your life easier. You don’t need to love an appliance for it to be useful to you. They choose women based on how willing a woman is to serve their needs, not on some fanciful idea of romantic love. This is a lie that has been sold to women to make them willing participants in their own oppression. That’s why girls are taught from childhood how to be good wives and how to please their husbands, whereas no one ever thought of preparing men to be good husbands to their wives. Women who have never been married simply have no idea what is waiting for them on the other side. The amount of work they will have to do to maintain their house, satisfy their husband and tend to their kids is something that should cause even the most hard-working, diligent woman to think twice before committing to such a life. No one ever warns women about this. They enter marriage with fanciful ideas about a blissful married life, ideas that instantly disappear once they realise that their husband will sit on the sofa playing games or watching sports while they perform all the domestic chores. And if you think that that easy-going, modern man of yours will help you with domestic chores once you’re married, you have another think coming. Most men will not lift a finger to help their wives. It doesn’t matter if she brings in more money than him. If anything, women who earn more than their husbands are more likely to be abused.
What’s the solution for women?
Most women are, unfortunately, still trapped by the idea that they cannot do without men. They believe that, yes, men have caused women pain, but we cannot do without them. There is no point arguing with a woman who is still in this state of mind because she can’t accept that she can survive without a man. She will fight this idea with all her strength. She will accuse you of being bitter. She will accuse you of hating men. She will accuse you of hating women. She will call you ugly and claim that no man wants you. There is a reason why women hold on to this mindset, even though it’s clear how much suffering men have caused women. Most women have an existential fear of being on their own. But where does this fear come from?
Separation from your higher being
At some point during the evolution of this planet, people started moving backwards instead of forward. Instead of raising their consciousness, they started lowering their consciousness and moving further away from oneness into separation. They lost contact with their higher being who was within them, and moved into a fear-based existence. That is why life on this planet is so hellish. It wasn’t always like this. There was a time in human history when Earth was a natural planet. Every person on the planet was connected to their higher being, and this was the source of all their needs. Their higher being was the source of love, provision, protection, companionship, and a sense of being connected to something higher than themselves. Importantly, people did not feel alone. Everyone felt safe, connected, and whole. But as the consciousness started to go down, people lost their connection to their higher being, and this is where the feeling of being alone started. The more alone people felt, the more they looked outside of themselves for their needs to be met. That is why women developed the obsessive idea that men could give them what they were looking for. But a man can never replace your higher being. The only way to end this cycle is to go back within and reconnect with your higher being.
Radical self-love
Once you accept that you will never get what you are looking for from men, the logical next step is to separate yourself from men. Men will abuse you, betray you, cheat on you, abandon you, infect you with diseases, beat you, rape you and even kill you, until you accept that what you are looking for cannot be found with them. Unfortunately, this is what it will take to get women to start looking for oneness within. Many women are arriving at this conclusion, but many others are resisting the radical step of cutting off men. And I admit, it’s a hard concept to accept. We have been conditioned to believe that men and women need each other and cannot survive without each other. But that simply isn’t the case. Women can live comfortably without men. We can then use all that extra time and energy that we are not pouring into men to focus on ourselves and our spiritual growth. This is an act of radical self-love. It means saying that we will not allow anything into our lives that does not serve our highest good, and sticking to that no matter what others may think of us.
4B Movement
This brings us to the 4B movement, a movement that was started by women in South Korea due to misogyny, gender-based violence, and economic pressures. 4B means four nos:
bihon (no marriage)
bichulsan (no childbirth)
biyeonae (no dating)
bisekseu (no sex with men)
Once women accept that there is no such thing as a good man, it becomes pointless to continue searching for that needle in the haystack that probably doesn’t exist. If you love yourself as a woman, you will not allow any person into your life who causes you pain and suffering. The fact that women have such a hard time coming to such an obvious conclusion tells you just how conditioned we are to believe that we cannot do without men. But if some women in South Korea can do this, then all women can do it. More and more women are concluding that the only way to bring down the patriarchy and end the oppression of women for good is to withdraw our energy and attention from men. It’s time we stopped chasing a fantasy that doesn’t exist.
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