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Africa : A Wounded Continent

Imagine living in a continent where everything about you is seen as inherently ugly, primitive, uncivilised and savage. Imagine being seen as backward, dirty, poor, and diseased. Imagine not being mentioned in the news in any other context other than war, famine, chaos, disaster, and corruption. Imagine being the object of scorn, pity, disgust, and revulsion. Imagine being looked at as less deserving, less competent, less qualified, and less intelligent. Imagine being seen as corrupt, dishonest, untrustworthy, and suspect before you even utter a word. Imagine being seen as inferior, sub-human, and maybe even an animal. That is the reality of being an African today. It’s a wound we carry with us every second of every day, from the moment we wake up to the moment we fall asleep.

Somehow, the world conveniently forgot all the crimes that were committed against Africans and blamed us for our suffering and trauma. The fact that we cannot get it together, mere decades after the trauma of slavery and colonialism, is used as evidence of our inferiority. Colonialism, slavery and the hidden structures of neo-colonialism are never mentioned as a valid explanation for why we remain poor and in constant chaos. The same people who colonised us give us lectures on good governance and democracy. The perpetrators are now our saviours. They are the heroes, and we are the beggars.

Our History Erased

Africa is a continent without a history. We started existing when colonialists came. Before that, there was nothing. No trade. No education. No governance. No civilisation. No knowledge. Nothing worth mentioning in history books. At least, that is what the world wants us to believe. We were a bunch of cavemen, running around with clubs before the white man came to civilise us. We have always been and will always be slaves and good only for extraction.

And yet, we keep getting fragments of a history forgotten, whispers in the wind that we are more than the world would like to admit. There was once a library of Alexandria – an unparalleled wealth of knowledge and information that was burnt down by the Romans. Queen Cleopatra, one of the wealthiest people on the planet during her time, scared the Romans so much that they chose to destroy her rather than admit that a woman was about to outwit them in their own game. The Queen of Sheba presided over a queendom that spanned the Horn of Africa, her lineage ruling over Ethiopia uninterrupted for millennia. Mansa Musa, a West African King, was so wealthy, he is still considered today the wealthiest man who ever lived. Long-forgotten Kingdoms speak of a people with strong governance structures that needed no lectures on governance from anyone. Trade routes and currency existed long before the colonialists came to build infrastructure that was meant for extraction.

The truth is, we had a history which was buried because the best way to psychologically destroy someone and get them to submit is to tell them they are nothing and have always been nothing.

Our Spirituality Destroyed

Before the cruel and vengeful gods were introduced to us, we had our own loving gods who protected us, provided for us and cared what happened to us. We had places of worship in forests, on sacred hills and groves, and in the mountains. We prayed to these gods when we needed rain, and we thanked them when children were born and harvests were bountiful. We had a priesthood that told us what the gods wanted, and we trusted them with a childlike innocence. God was like a parent who cared for his children and provided for all their needs through nature.

We were told this was primitive. The true God is angry, cruel, and vengeful. If you disobey him, he will send you to hell to burn for eternity. The true God has a chosen people to whom he shows his love through war, death, and a murderous rage. The true God wants you to be humble, submit to slavery and colonialism, and respect authority even when authority abuses you. He wants you to ask nothing of life because you will have true happiness once you join him in heaven, where you will spend eternity singing his praises.

Our Culture Dismantled

We had ways of doing things. Marriage rites, birth rites, initiation rites, planting rites, harvest rites. We had kings and queens, chiefs, and councils of elders. We had ways of relating to each other that made sense to us. We took care of the environment because all our needs were met through nature. Everything was in abundance, and there was no need to own or hoard. One seed produced a hundred-fold. One animal reproduced in due season, providing the meat, milk, eggs and skins we needed for life. When a couple got married, the community built them a house. There was no need for thirty-year mortgages to pay for the roof over your head. There was no need for anyone to slave away for a corporation to survive. We had a way of doing things that was not perfect, but was in harmony with nature.

All this was set aside for a civilisation that drains your life-force, just for the privilege of existing. The civilisation that replaced our primitive cultures thrives in brutality and predation. The weak are crushed by the strong, and no one blinks. Progress is measured by steel structures, not the ability to care and provide for the citizens. Systemic failure is blamed on the individual. Education systems prepare people to submit to authority and never question what the leaders are doing. War and aggression are the norm, and humans are nothing more than workers, serving the system. Maybe we should start by defining what civilisation means, because I don’t see anything civilised about how the world works today.

Our Bodies Seen as Inherently Ugly

We look in the mirror, and a black face stares back at us. This is not the image of beauty the world recognises. The world sees beauty as white, straight-haired, and colourful eyed. It’s in every movie you watch and every magazine you flip through. It’s in social media, in the curated images and videos we are fed. It’s in the news and in reality shows. It’s in the billboards we stare at and the mannequins in shops. It’s the Barbie dolls our children play with and the cartoons they watch. No one needs to tell you what beauty looks like. They just need to show you. Over and over and over again, until you get it.

Black bodies are all wrong. Butts are too big. Hips too wide. Noses too flat. Protruding lips. Bad skin. Everyone knows that black is bad. Black sheep. Black market. Black magic. God must have been confused when he created us, or maybe he didn’t get the memo. Our kinky hair is all wrong and is supposed to be hidden in wigs, weaves, braids or plaited lines. It is unpresentable in its natural form, untidy, and unprofessional. No African mother ever sat her daughter down and told her that her hair was unacceptable. But every girl knows it. Even the youngest girls are subjected to scorching blow-dryers by loving mothers, whose own mothers used an infinitely worse method of straightening hair known as the hot comb. Alternatively, the hair can be cooked in a painful, torturous process that most black women know only too well. This is done using chemicals that burn and scar if left on too long, which they invariably are. The process has to be repeated regularly as the natural kinky hair seeks to reestablish itself, a phenomenon derisively known as ‘growth’. Hairdressers regularly berate women for appearing at the salon with unacceptable levels of ‘growth’, a sure sign of neglect. Never mind the fact that straightening hair costs money, which we don’t always have. In fact, the process of making African hair presentable costs a lot of money. It damages hair and messes up hairlines. But we seem to agree that it is worth it.

Who decided on this standard of beauty? We don’t know for sure, but everyone has submitted to it. That is why there is a thriving market for human hair, targeted at the black woman. You don’t have to endure the shame of your natural kinky hair when you can hide it under the straight hair of some Asian woman. That is why there is a thriving market for skin lighteners that promise transformative whiteness, but instead destroy your skin gradually. Black women consider this a worthwhile price to pay for that momentary glimpse of what it feels like to be light-skinned, if not white. The world does everything in its power to help black people solve the blackness problem.

How this Impacts Us

If someone were to study the psychology of Africans, I wonder what they would find. I suspect it would be self-loathing. Feelings of worthlessness. Anxiety. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Depression. Anger. Confusion. Stockholm syndrome. Internalised inferiority. All stemming from the trauma of violence, forced displacement, and systemic oppression experienced during colonialism, slavery and neo-colonialism. The psychological impact is not limited to those who directly endured the trauma; it extends across generations through intergenerational trauma.

Because we are traumatised, we continue recreating the same brutal structures that abused us, no different from someone who was abused in childhood, ending up in a cycle of abusive relationships. We were taught to hate ourselves and see ourselves as unworthy, which is why we continue choosing leaders who abuse us, long after the colonialists left.

We blame ourselves for the fact that we are underdeveloped, echoing what the dominant societies tell us. We are corrupt. We are incompetent. We are the cause of our own misery. We need help. We are less intelligent. We have nothing of value. We will never develop.

Because of our Stockholm syndrome, we look to our abusers to save us. We believe what they tell us about ourselves. We copy them. We cooperate with them in our own destruction. We continue inviting them into our countries, even when they disrespect us and despise us. We allow humanitarian workers to come gawk at our suffering, then return to their homes to international acclaim and medals for the work they do that never seems to accomplish anything. We are trapped in trauma bonds that keep us open to our abusers to continue abusing us. We have zero defence mechanisms for keeping abusers at bay.

Our internalised inferiority means that we despise our accomplishments and see them as nothing. We continue looking to others to tell us what to do, rather than coming up with our own simple solutions that can be refined over time. We accept without question other people’s agendas even when they don’t benefit us. We allow others to extract our wealth and leave us with nothing.

Healing our Wounds

If Africa were a person and went for therapy, the therapist would probably point out how our lack of self-love and self-worth is causing us to repeat the same patterns of trauma that are so familiar to us. They would point out that our leaders today treat us with the same lack of empathy our colonisers did. They would point out that we have no boundaries.

The first step in healing is to admit that we are wounded. Just because the colonisers left does not mean that we immediately went back to normal. Once we admit that we are wounded, we must start the long walk back to wholeness by talking about what happened to us and recognising how it affects how we behave today. We need to grieve for what was done to us and what was taken away from us. We need to grieve for having lived through the disdain and lack of empathy the world treats us with.

Then we must start loving ourselves. Loving ourselves means choosing leaders who treat us with love and empathy. It means choosing leaders who are gentle and kind towards us. It means leaning more towards the feminine energy that has been suppressed, but which we need to heal. It means choosing female leaders to balance out the masculine, aggressive leadership we are currently experiencing. It means keeping out anything and anyone that does not serve us. From people who come to extract from us, to humanitarian aid that we don’t need and does not help us. It means knowing who our friends are and who our enemies are. Not everyone who smiles at us is a friend. We must ask for reparations, apologies, restitution and dismantling of colonial-era structures that still hold us back today. We must demand an end to neo-colonialism, interventions, and debt slavery.

Who is Lilith?

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Lilith. An enigma.

We have heard so much about her. But somehow, it seems like the more we hear, the less we know.

Who really is Lilith?

In order to understand who Lilith is, we have to go much further back than most people are willing to go. To the very beginning.

Because as long as we try to understand Lilith through the very limited lens that most people use to try to understand her, we never will.

Lilith as Divine Mother

Lilith is the divine mother in embodiment. That part of God that the world refuses to acknowledge. The feminine part of God. That’s Lilith. She has lived many lifetimes on earth and gone by many names – Isis, Semiramis, Queen of Sheba, Medusa, Jezebel, Cleopatra, and many other names lost in history.

Unless we look at Lilith through this lens, we will keep going round and round, never quite understanding who she is and why she faced so much hatred, fear and opposition.

Lilith is the mother of all life. She is the creatrix, experiencing life within her creation. She is God the Mother, consort to God the Father. She is the foundation of all life.

This is the reality about who Lilith is that has been hidden and denied by those who do not accept that God has a feminine side, those who only see God as masculine. They have tried to demonise Lilith, tried to erase her, and tried to separate her from her children.

But still, she keeps rising. The more they try to bury her, the more she rises. In a world that tells us that we have a father but no mother, Lilith is gently calling us back to herself, back to her mother’s love.

In Christianity, Lilith is the Holy Spirit. That mysterious third person of God that everyone knows exists but can’t quite explain or understand? That’s the divine mother. That’s Lilith.

In a patriarchal world that refuses to acknowledge the divine mother and has tried to erase her from the collective consciousness, Lilith is hated and demonised. But Lilith refuses to bow down to a patriarchal society that demands that women submit to men. She willingly gave up paradise rather than submit, and for that she was punished, hated and demonised.

All the lies we have heard about Lilith were invented by the patriarchy. They called her a demon, a vampire, a witch, and a child killer. In reality, it’s the patriarchy that has been killing her children.

But she has never given up. She refuses to go away, and, in the end, it is the patriarchy that must give way to her. You cannot erase the creatrix. You can tell lies about her so that people fear her and run away from her, but you cannot erase her. She will always find a way to rise up.

And she is rising up today. Women are starting to wake up, to reject the role that has been assigned to them by the patriarchy, and to realise that they have as much power and autonomy as Lilith did.

Lilith as High Priestess

Proverbs 1:20-21

Wisdom cries aloud in the street,
in the markets she raises her voice;
at the head of the noisy streets she cries out;
at the entrance of the city gates she speaks:

Lilith is Wisdom, the woman described in Proverbs chapter 1. She is the voice crying out in the street and in the markets, and at the entrance of the city gates. As the handmaiden of the goddess Ishtar, Lilith went out into the streets to invite men to the temple to worship the divine mother through sacred sexuality. This is Lilith as high priestess of the divine mother.

One of the most demonised aspects of Lilith was her sexuality. Because she refused to accept the patriarchy’s view of female sexuality, she was demonised by a patriarchy that fears female autonomy.

In a world that feared female sexual autonomy, Lilith was known to be promiscuous and was said to have been a sacred prostitute in the temple of Ishtar. In those days, sex was seen as sacred and a way to worship the divine. But when the patriarchy took over, they turned sex into something evil, something to be suppressed, especially in women.

Today, many deny that sacred prostitution ever existed, because they cannot conceive of a reality where sex is seen not as evil or bad, but as a way to worship the divine.

Lilith, as high priestess, reminds us that sexuality is sacred and a form of worship. She wants us to know that women are not objects made for men’s pleasure. She reminds us to honour ourselves, each other and God through sacred sexuality. By freeing sex from the false beliefs created by the patriarchy, we are honouring Lilith.

Lilith as Samael’s Wife

Lilith has always been described as Samael’s wife. The truth is that Samael was the divine father in embodiment, and therefore Lilith’s divine consort. Together, they worked to free humanity from the many lies created by the false gods and fallen angels.

Lilith and Samael were in the Garden of Eden, where Adam and Eve were imprisoned in a false reality created by the false god. Lilith and Samael were responsible for awakening Adam and Eve by telling them the truth about who they were.

The false God had kept them trapped in a false reality in which they were created to serve him. But Lilith and Samael helped them understand their divine origins as children of the divine father and mother. They gave them the knowledge that the false god never wanted them to have.

Unfortunately, in the biblical retelling of what happened in the Garden of Eden, the truth has been kept hidden, and instead, a story concocted about how the serpent deceived Eve, who then went on to convince Adam. This was a clever way of blaming women for all the problems that face the earth, something that has continued to this day. This was also a clever strategy for justifying the subjugation of women, on the grounds that it was the woman who caused the fall of man.

The truth is that Adam and Eve were expelled from the Garden of Eden because they had gained knowledge that they were never meant to have. They understood that they were not servants of God, created to serve him, but rather they had their origins in the divine itself.

Samael and Lilith were also known as the King and Queen of Hell, which is not actually a negative thing. Humanity had been deceived into fearing death through the belief that they would receive eternal punishment for disobeying god. Lilith and Samael helped humanity overcome the fear of death. Death is simply a transition into a different place where beings go to heal and prepare for the next lifetime.

As King and Queen of Hell, Samael and Lilith acted as righteous judges who helped human beings evaluate their lives on earth and prepare for their next embodiment.

Lilith as Demon, Vampire and Witch

In early stories about Lilith, she was known as someone who helped women during childbirth. When she refused to submit to the patriarchy, she was turned into a vampire who drank the blood of children. This is how the myth of Lilith as a vampire and mother of all vampires began. It was nothing more than patriarchal fear-mongering.

Lilith was also called a succubus, which is a sexual demon. Men were forbidden from sleeping alone in case Lilith came at night to steal their sexual energy. Men in those days lived with a lot of guilt due to their repressed sexuality, and who better to blame for their nightly emissions than a woman? Apparently, women are to blame for everything, even men’s bodily functions. This pattern of blaming women continues even today.

Lilith was also accused of being a witch, probably due to her understanding of natural healing that she used to help women during childbirth. Women have always been accused of being witches for having abilities that men can’t control, such as natural healing, wisdom, knowledge, intuition and magical abilities through their connection with the divine.

Since men could not control these gifts, they termed them as witchcraft and burned such women at the stake. Women were thus taught to repress their natural gifts, to keep their heads down and do what they were supposed to do.

Although witch hunting is something that is supposed to have ended after the Dark Ages, it is still practised today in many parts of the world. Violence against women has always been one of the most effective weapons the patriarchy wields against women, and it is what has allowed them to control women for so long.

Other forms of violence against women that are used to control and silence them include domestic violence, rape, femicide, female genital mutilation and public undressing of women. What happened to Lilith is yet another example of how the patriarchy treats women who refuse to submit.

Another example of how the patriarchy demonises women is found in Queen Jezebel, who is today referred to as ‘the spirit of Jezebel’. Her legacy has been transformed from a powerful queen and high priestess into a demon who is guilty of all manner of things. She was accused of sexual immorality, even though there is no evidence that Jezebel was ever immoral. Men in the church love to blame her for their inability to lead moral lives by claiming to have been influenced by ‘the spirit of Jezebel’. How very convenient for men to have someone to blame instead of taking responsibility for their actions.

Lilith Today

Lilith is awakening. The dark goddess, whom many tried to bury, is rising out of the ashes, like the proverbial phoenix. She is calling on the world to remember. To remember the divine mother, whom they erased and refuse to acknowledge.

We are seeing Lilith more and more in the entertainment industry, in movies and video games. People are becoming curious and starting to ask: Who is Lilith?

Many of the answers we are getting are leaving us with more questions. This is because we are not being told the real truth of who Lilith is. Unless we acknowledge Lilith as the divine mother, we will have more questions than answers, and we will not be satisfied with the answers we receive.

The dark mother is arising, and she wants the world to know who she is, to dig back into their collective unconscious and remember their origins. Because as long as we refuse to acknowledge the divine mother who is the source of all life, we cannot hope to move forward on our spiritual journey.

Our healing will only begin when we start looking at the forgotten aspect of the divine and start the long journey towards remembering who She is.

Trauma Bonding: 17 Signs You’re a Victim and How to Break Free

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Trauma bonding is a bond that is formed between an abuser and their victim due to a recurring pattern of punishment and reward that keeps the victim tied to the abuser and unable to break free. It is a kind of conditioning or programming that causes the victim to respond in unhealthy ways to a toxic person. The beginning stages of trauma bonds are formed when the abuser love-bombs the victim, causing a massive release of feel-good hormones such as dopamine and oxytocin. The love bombing is quickly followed by narcissistic abuse which appears suddenly and unexpectedly, plunging the victim into a downward spiral of shock and betrayal that can be compared to a drug addict going into withdrawal. The victim is left longing for the high, just like a drug addict longs for the high they receive from drugs. Thus begins the cycle of punishment and reward that traps the victim in a neurochemical bondage, no different from drug addiction. With time, the abuse gets worse while the rewards become rare, meaning the victim has no reason at all to remain in the relationship yet they find themselves unable to leave. When trying to understand why the victim doesn’t simply leave the abuser, we need to understand that the victim is struggling with an addiction, the same way a drug addict struggles with drug addiction.

The beginning stages of trauma bonds are formed when the abuser love-bombs the victim, causing a massive release of feel-good hormones such as dopamine and oxytocin. The love bombing is quickly followed by narcissistic abuse which appears suddenly and unexpectedly, plunging the victim into a downward spiral of shock and betrayal that can be compared to a drug addict going into withdrawal.

Most of us have grown up with an idea of “falling in love” that comes from the media, which equates falling in love with being under someone’s spell – thinking about them constantly, longing to be with them all the time, being unable to think rationally and giving up your autonomy for the sake of the person you fall in love with. This unfortunately sets us up to form trauma bonds with narcissists. If we expect love to look like the version we see in movies, we become prime targets for narcissists because we mistake the neurochemical addiction that occurs with love. We need to understand that love should not feel like an addiction and should not be painful or an emotional roller-coaster. Love should be joyful, harmonious and fulfilling.

Signs of trauma bonding:

The victim defends the relationship even though everyone around them has a negative reaction towards it. When friends, family members or others tell you that they don’t like the person you’re in a relationship with, it is wise to listen to what they have to say. If you find that you constantly have to defend your relationship, then there may be something you are not seeing. Many times, people outside the relationship can be more objective than you can. The reality is that many people, especially those who have been brought up by a narcissistic parent will not be able to detect when they are being emotionally abused. They may be so used to living with narcissistic abuse that they lose their ability to see it when it is happening to them. However painful it may be, listening to what others have to say about your relationship, especially those who love you and have nothing to gain from breaking up your relationship is the smart thing to do.
The victim is obsessed with the abuser even after they leave. A victim of trauma bonding will be unable to forget the abuser even when they abandon them. The victim continues longing for the abuser, missing him and hoping he will come back. The victim becomes trapped in an unending cycle of abuse, abandonment and betrayal followed by love. The victim is unable to move on as they are left longing for a return to the loving times. This means that the victim remains suspended, waiting for the abuser to give them the love they so desperately crave. Even though the abuser caused them immense pain, they feel like they cannot live without them.
Others are horrified at something that has happened but the victim isn’t. The abuser may physically hurt the victim or engage in unacceptable behaviour, but the victim is unable to see the seriousness of the matter. The victim may insist that the abuser has changed or has apologised and they do not seem to be aware of just how serious the abuse is. This is a clear sign of trauma bonding.
The victim feels loyal to the abuser and hides secrets that would be damaging to the abuser. The victim shows loyalty to the abuser even though it is completely undeserved. The victim identifies with the abuser and protects them, keeping the truth about the abuse to themselves. In this way, the abuser goes on with their lives and even abuses others without the threat of being exposed.
The victim continues to seek contact with the abuser even though it will cause them pain. This creates a cycle of breaking up and coming back together or the on-again-off-again type of relationship. Even though the abuser constantly betrays and hurts the victim, the victim is unable to stay away. This is why they say that it takes seven attempts before a victim finally breaks free from an abusive relationship. Even though the relationship is bad for them, they keep going back. The victim essentially becomes alienated from themselves and is unable to protect themselves. That instinct of self-preservation that motivates us to protect ourselves from harm is broken and the sense of self is shattered. The victim becomes conditioned to act in ways that are contrary to their own self-interest.
The victim becomes drawn to dangerous individuals. As a result of being in an abusive relationship, the victim develops a pattern in which they seek out or are attracted to dangerous individuals. It is almost as if they want to keep replaying their initial abuse or find such relationships thrilling. This is why it is so important to take time to heal after an abusive relationship before getting into another relationship. If you were in an abusive relationship and managed to get out, it is advisable to take time to understand why you ended up in such a relationship in the first place and to heal whatever wounds caused you to end up with such a person. Failure to do so risks repeating the same pattern over and over again.
The victim tries to change or save the abuser instead of just walking away. Many victims of abuse find themselves obsessively trying to change the abuser or feeling like they are the only ones who can save them. They develop a martyr complex which causes them to feel compelled to sacrifice themselves for the sake of the abuser. They are convinced that the abuser is a good person deep inside and that if they only make enough of an effort, the abuser will eventually change. But the reality is that abusers rarely change. The idea that you will change them is delusional. The best thing is to walk away and realise that it is not your responsibility or burden to change a toxic person.
The victim will go overboard in helping the abuser. Many abusers not only treat their victims badly but also commandeer their resources such as money or property. You will find victims who go out of their way to give money to the abuser or get them out of all sorts of situations. Even though the abuser has consistently proven themselves untrustworthy and unreliable, the victim will continue going out of their way to help them. In the end, the abuser may even take over the victim’s resources leaving them completely at their mercy.
The victim cannot leave the abuser even though they do not like, trust or care for the abuser. Trauma bonding is like drug addiction. Even though the victim does not like, trust or care for the abuser, they find themselves unable to leave. They will find ways to justify their continued attachment to the abuser, but the reality is that they are trapped in a cycle of reward and punishment that keeps them longing for the ever-decreasing crumbs of love that the abuser tosses their way. Even after they see the abuser for what he is, they still find it difficult to break the bond. It takes an almost herculean effort to break the emotional ties that bind the victims to the abuser.
The victim continues to play along even when things become dangerous or destructive. The victim is unable to leave the abuser even when their physical safety is compromised. Despite physical or sexual abuse, or even when loved ones beg them to leave, they continue staying with the abuser. They lose the desire or ability to resist the abuser, which is why in extreme cases, victims end up being killed by the abuser.
The victim continues trying to get the abuser to like them even though they clearly don’t care. The victim will try to do nice things for the abuser to get their attention. They will be kind to the abuser and become almost a doormat in an effort to please the abuser. They will walk on eggshells around the abuser, afraid to do anything that would anger them. Even when the abuser clearly shows that they do not care about them, the victim does everything in their power to get the abuser to show them the love they once showed them.
The victim trusts the abuser again and again even though they have proven unreliable. The victim uses emotional thinking when it comes to the abuser, i.e., they are unable to think logically or make logical decisions. Whenever the abuser abuses them, they manage to find ways to excuse the abusive behaviour – the abuser didn’t mean it, he was tired, the victim did something to annoy him, he will change, the victim just needs to try harder, no one understands the abuser, etc. The victim gives the abuser opportunity after opportunity to hurt them and never seems to learn from past actions. Just like drug addicts, they lose their ability to think rationally. It takes a tremendous amount of effort to overcome this way of thinking and stop making excuses for the abuser.
The victim chooses to stay in conflict with the abuser even though it would cost them nothing to walk away. The victim becomes so attached to the abuser that they engage in explosive fights with them rather than simply walk away from the relationship. Even when the relationship becomes so toxic that it makes no sense to continue in it, the victim stays put. They become afraid of losing the relationship even though they do not benefit in any way from being in a relationship with the abuser.
The abuser’s talent, charisma or contributions cause the victim to overlook destructive, exploitative or degrading behaviour. When the abuser is wealthy, a celebrity or in other ways an important person in society, the victim convinces themselves that they need to remain in the relationship. They view the abuser as superior to them and are unable to appreciate their own self-worth. They feel flattered by the abuser’s attention which causes them to ignore the abuse. This is why we hear of celebrities abusing people with impunity. Their wealth and position in society shield them from being answerable for their crimes.
The victim stays in a relationship longer than they should. Long after the relationship has become toxic and unbearable, the victim remains with the abuser using all sorts of justifications. They may have children together, joint property or businesses, or they may be unwilling to leave due to their history together. The victim is unable to see themselves as an individual deserving of happiness and a fulfilled life. They see themselves only as part of a couple. They are unable to envision life without the abuser. They may become so accustomed to the abuse that they normalise it and minimise it. Their self-worth is completely shattered by years of emotional abuse.
The victim sees how the abuser abuses others but thinks of themselves as the exception. In some cases, the victim is so convinced that the abuser loves them that even though they see how badly he treats other people, they still believe that they are the exception. The victim is unable to see that they too are a victim of the abuser. They think the abuser would never treat them badly because they are special or loved. Getting them to open their eyes and see the abuser for what he is may take quite some effort.
The victim internally sees the abuser as their controller. This causes the victim to constantly have internal conversations in which they justify themselves to the abuser. Whatever they do, they see the abuser as the one whose approval they need. They see themselves through the judgmental eyes of the abuser, feeling shame when they feel like they are letting them down or feeling as if they need to live up to the abuser’s expectations. The abuser becomes like God to the victim, the person they see looking over their shoulder in everything they do. The abuser is given too much power in the victim’s life, causing them to always conform to the abuser’s wishes. It takes intense introspection for the victim to become aware of the amount of control the abuser has over them.

How to overcome trauma bonding:

Recognize the trauma bond – One of the greatest barriers to overcoming trauma bonding is recognizing that you have one. Even though we may be aware that we are in a toxic relationship with someone, in most cases people just don’t realize that they have formed a trauma bond with the person. They do not understand that the reason they cannot simply leave even though they recognize the abuse is that they have formed a trauma bond with them. People who have been brought up by narcissistic parents are particularly prone to this. People in close relationships with psychopaths are also blind to their abusive nature due to their charming facades. If you’re in a toxic relationship which you are unable to leave even though you would like to, you should consider that you may have a trauma bond with the person.
Therapy – Breaking a trauma bond sometimes requires therapy. This is especially true for people who are trapped in abusive relationships with people who won’t easily let them go. Many abusers will not just casually let their victims go – the reason they abuse their victims is precisely because they want to keep them bound to themselves. In extreme cases, some people could be trapped in cults or other organised groups that ritually abuse them in order to control them. These abusers will not just let them go without a fight. Such trauma bonds cannot be broken through sheer willpower – they require therapy from knowledgeable psychologists.
No contact – Once you realize that you have a trauma bond with someone, the best way to break it is to break off all contact with the person. Trauma bonds are the hardest relationships to break because of the emotional, addictive element. The way we respond to the abuser is a conditioned response. The brain is conditioned to bypass normal, rational thinking and therefore breaking free is as difficult as breaking a drug addiction. It will require great determination to break off contact with the person. You will need to block them on all social media, email, phone, etc. It might mean changing your phone number so that the person can’t reach you. It may be difficult at first but with time it gets easier as the brain adjusts to functioning without the constant highs and lows.
Limit contact – In cases where it is completely impossible to break off contact, for example if you are co-parenting with the person, try as much as possible to limit contact with the person. Don’t talk to them unless it is absolutely necessary. Avoid face-to-face meetings or phone calls that could devolve into shouting matches. Determine the most impersonal way of communicating such as email or short, factual text messages and stick to that. Create as much distance between the two of you to weaken and eventually break the trauma bond.
Stop emotional thinking – The reason many people keep going back to abusive relationships is that they develop emotional thinking which keeps sabotaging their efforts to break free. Rather than use logic, they default to a way of thinking that allows them to justify going back to the abuser. Even if the person has proven again and again that they are unreliable, the victim still convinces themselves that this time will be different. Even if the person has clearly shown through their bad treatment that they do not love the victim, they continue telling themselves that the abuser loves them. Even if they have shown themselves to be an abusive, cruel person, the victim still tells themselves that deep down they are a good person. In other words, the victim is not using logic because their brain is bypassing the logical, analytical mind. If you recognise this type of thinking in yourself, you’ll need to counter the lies with cold logic based on an observation of the abuser’s behaviour.
Honour your feelings – Another reason it is so hard to break trauma bonding is that the victim learns to bury their feelings and does not trust that what they feel is valid. They learn that their feelings are unimportant and therefore they learn to suppress them. If they were brought up by a narcissistic parent, this process would have started from early childhood and will be their default way of being. To break this pattern, you need to recognize that your feelings are just as important as anyone else’s. Listen to what your body tells you and know that it is valid and should not be ignored.
Enforce boundaries – Victims of abuse usually find it hard to enforce boundaries. They have learnt that their needs are not important and that they should put other people’s needs before their own. Therefore, they allow people to treat them badly over and over again. One of the hardest things for such people is to say no to bad treatment. They are reluctant to appear rude or hurt someone else’s feelings. What they don’t understand is that the person they are so eager to protect has no similar feelings towards them. The abuser will have no qualms about hurting them or treating them badly. It is therefore their responsibility to enforce boundaries and make the decision not to accept abusive behaviour.