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Africa : A Wounded Continent

Imagine living in a continent where everything about you is seen as inherently ugly, primitive, uncivilised and savage. Imagine being seen as backward, dirty, poor, and diseased. Imagine not being mentioned in the news in any other context other than war, famine, chaos, disaster, and corruption. Imagine being the object of scorn, pity, disgust, and revulsion. Imagine being looked at as less deserving, less competent, less qualified, and less intelligent. Imagine being seen as corrupt, dishonest, untrustworthy, and suspect before you even utter a word. Imagine being seen as inferior, sub-human, and maybe even an animal. That is the reality of being an African today. It’s a wound we carry with us every second of every day, from the moment we wake up to the moment we fall asleep.

Somehow, the world conveniently forgot all the crimes that were committed against Africans and blamed us for our suffering and trauma. The fact that we cannot get it together, mere decades after the trauma of slavery and colonialism, is used as evidence of our inferiority. Colonialism, slavery and the hidden structures of neo-colonialism are never mentioned as a valid explanation for why we remain poor and in constant chaos. The same people who colonised us give us lectures on good governance and democracy. The perpetrators are now our saviours. They are the heroes, and we are the beggars.

Our History Erased

Africa is a continent without a history. We started existing when colonialists came. Before that, there was nothing. No trade. No education. No governance. No civilisation. No knowledge. Nothing worth mentioning in history books. At least, that is what the world wants us to believe. We were a bunch of cavemen, running around with clubs before the white man came to civilise us. We have always been and will always be slaves and good only for extraction.

And yet, we keep getting fragments of a history forgotten, whispers in the wind that we are more than the world would like to admit. There was once a library of Alexandria – an unparalleled wealth of knowledge and information that was burnt down by the Romans. Queen Cleopatra, one of the wealthiest people on the planet during her time, scared the Romans so much that they chose to destroy her rather than admit that a woman was about to outwit them in their own game. The Queen of Sheba presided over a queendom that spanned the Horn of Africa, her lineage ruling over Ethiopia uninterrupted for millennia. Mansa Musa, a West African King, was so wealthy, he is still considered today the wealthiest man who ever lived. Long-forgotten Kingdoms speak of a people with strong governance structures that needed no lectures on governance from anyone. Trade routes and currency existed long before the colonialists came to build infrastructure that was meant for extraction.

The truth is, we had a history which was buried because the best way to psychologically destroy someone and get them to submit is to tell them they are nothing and have always been nothing.

Our Spirituality Destroyed

Before the cruel and vengeful gods were introduced to us, we had our own loving gods who protected us, provided for us and cared what happened to us. We had places of worship in forests, on sacred hills and groves, and in the mountains. We prayed to these gods when we needed rain, and we thanked them when children were born and harvests were bountiful. We had a priesthood that told us what the gods wanted, and we trusted them with a childlike innocence. God was like a parent who cared for his children and provided for all their needs through nature.

We were told this was primitive. The true God is angry, cruel, and vengeful. If you disobey him, he will send you to hell to burn for eternity. The true God has a chosen people to whom he shows his love through war, death, and a murderous rage. The true God wants you to be humble, submit to slavery and colonialism, and respect authority even when authority abuses you. He wants you to ask nothing of life because you will have true happiness once you join him in heaven, where you will spend eternity singing his praises.

Our Culture Dismantled

We had ways of doing things. Marriage rites, birth rites, initiation rites, planting rites, harvest rites. We had kings and queens, chiefs, and councils of elders. We had ways of relating to each other that made sense to us. We took care of the environment because all our needs were met through nature. Everything was in abundance, and there was no need to own or hoard. One seed produced a hundred-fold. One animal reproduced in due season, providing the meat, milk, eggs and skins we needed for life. When a couple got married, the community built them a house. There was no need for thirty-year mortgages to pay for the roof over your head. There was no need for anyone to slave away for a corporation to survive. We had a way of doing things that was not perfect, but was in harmony with nature.

All this was set aside for a civilisation that drains your life-force, just for the privilege of existing. The civilisation that replaced our primitive cultures thrives in brutality and predation. The weak are crushed by the strong, and no one blinks. Progress is measured by steel structures, not the ability to care and provide for the citizens. Systemic failure is blamed on the individual. Education systems prepare people to submit to authority and never question what the leaders are doing. War and aggression are the norm, and humans are nothing more than workers, serving the system. Maybe we should start by defining what civilisation means, because I don’t see anything civilised about how the world works today.

Our Bodies Seen as Inherently Ugly

We look in the mirror, and a black face stares back at us. This is not the image of beauty the world recognises. The world sees beauty as white, straight-haired, and colourful eyed. It’s in every movie you watch and every magazine you flip through. It’s in social media, in the curated images and videos we are fed. It’s in the news and in reality shows. It’s in the billboards we stare at and the mannequins in shops. It’s the Barbie dolls our children play with and the cartoons they watch. No one needs to tell you what beauty looks like. They just need to show you. Over and over and over again, until you get it.

Black bodies are all wrong. Butts are too big. Hips too wide. Noses too flat. Protruding lips. Bad skin. Everyone knows that black is bad. Black sheep. Black market. Black magic. God must have been confused when he created us, or maybe he didn’t get the memo. Our kinky hair is all wrong and is supposed to be hidden in wigs, weaves, braids or plaited lines. It is unpresentable in its natural form, untidy, and unprofessional. No African mother ever sat her daughter down and told her that her hair was unacceptable. But every girl knows it. Even the youngest girls are subjected to scorching blow-dryers by loving mothers, whose own mothers used an infinitely worse method of straightening hair known as the hot comb. Alternatively, the hair can be cooked in a painful, torturous process that most black women know only too well. This is done using chemicals that burn and scar if left on too long, which they invariably are. The process has to be repeated regularly as the natural kinky hair seeks to reestablish itself, a phenomenon derisively known as ‘growth’. Hairdressers regularly berate women for appearing at the salon with unacceptable levels of ‘growth’, a sure sign of neglect. Never mind the fact that straightening hair costs money, which we don’t always have. In fact, the process of making African hair presentable costs a lot of money. It damages hair and messes up hairlines. But we seem to agree that it is worth it.

Who decided on this standard of beauty? We don’t know for sure, but everyone has submitted to it. That is why there is a thriving market for human hair, targeted at the black woman. You don’t have to endure the shame of your natural kinky hair when you can hide it under the straight hair of some Asian woman. That is why there is a thriving market for skin lighteners that promise transformative whiteness, but instead destroy your skin gradually. Black women consider this a worthwhile price to pay for that momentary glimpse of what it feels like to be light-skinned, if not white. The world does everything in its power to help black people solve the blackness problem.

How this Impacts Us

If someone were to study the psychology of Africans, I wonder what they would find. I suspect it would be self-loathing. Feelings of worthlessness. Anxiety. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Depression. Anger. Confusion. Stockholm syndrome. Internalised inferiority. All stemming from the trauma of violence, forced displacement, and systemic oppression experienced during colonialism, slavery and neo-colonialism. The psychological impact is not limited to those who directly endured the trauma; it extends across generations through intergenerational trauma.

Because we are traumatised, we continue recreating the same brutal structures that abused us, no different from someone who was abused in childhood, ending up in a cycle of abusive relationships. We were taught to hate ourselves and see ourselves as unworthy, which is why we continue choosing leaders who abuse us, long after the colonialists left.

We blame ourselves for the fact that we are underdeveloped, echoing what the dominant societies tell us. We are corrupt. We are incompetent. We are the cause of our own misery. We need help. We are less intelligent. We have nothing of value. We will never develop.

Because of our Stockholm syndrome, we look to our abusers to save us. We believe what they tell us about ourselves. We copy them. We cooperate with them in our own destruction. We continue inviting them into our countries, even when they disrespect us and despise us. We allow humanitarian workers to come gawk at our suffering, then return to their homes to international acclaim and medals for the work they do that never seems to accomplish anything. We are trapped in trauma bonds that keep us open to our abusers to continue abusing us. We have zero defence mechanisms for keeping abusers at bay.

Our internalised inferiority means that we despise our accomplishments and see them as nothing. We continue looking to others to tell us what to do, rather than coming up with our own simple solutions that can be refined over time. We accept without question other people’s agendas even when they don’t benefit us. We allow others to extract our wealth and leave us with nothing.

Healing our Wounds

If Africa were a person and went for therapy, the therapist would probably point out how our lack of self-love and self-worth is causing us to repeat the same patterns of trauma that are so familiar to us. They would point out that our leaders today treat us with the same lack of empathy our colonisers did. They would point out that we have no boundaries.

The first step in healing is to admit that we are wounded. Just because the colonisers left does not mean that we immediately went back to normal. Once we admit that we are wounded, we must start the long walk back to wholeness by talking about what happened to us and recognising how it affects how we behave today. We need to grieve for what was done to us and what was taken away from us. We need to grieve for having lived through the disdain and lack of empathy the world treats us with.

Then we must start loving ourselves. Loving ourselves means choosing leaders who treat us with love and empathy. It means choosing leaders who are gentle and kind towards us. It means leaning more towards the feminine energy that has been suppressed, but which we need to heal. It means choosing female leaders to balance out the masculine, aggressive leadership we are currently experiencing. It means keeping out anything and anyone that does not serve us. From people who come to extract from us, to humanitarian aid that we don’t need and does not help us. It means knowing who our friends are and who our enemies are. Not everyone who smiles at us is a friend. We must ask for reparations, apologies, restitution and dismantling of colonial-era structures that still hold us back today. We must demand an end to neo-colonialism, interventions, and debt slavery.

Trauma Bonding: 17 Signs You’re a Victim and How to Break Free

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Trauma bonding is a bond that is formed between an abuser and their victim due to a recurring pattern of punishment and reward that keeps the victim tied to the abuser and unable to break free. It is a kind of conditioning or programming that causes the victim to respond in unhealthy ways to a toxic person. The beginning stages of trauma bonds are formed when the abuser love-bombs the victim, causing a massive release of feel-good hormones such as dopamine and oxytocin. The love bombing is quickly followed by narcissistic abuse which appears suddenly and unexpectedly, plunging the victim into a downward spiral of shock and betrayal that can be compared to a drug addict going into withdrawal. The victim is left longing for the high, just like a drug addict longs for the high they receive from drugs. Thus begins the cycle of punishment and reward that traps the victim in a neurochemical bondage, no different from drug addiction. With time, the abuse gets worse while the rewards become rare, meaning the victim has no reason at all to remain in the relationship yet they find themselves unable to leave. When trying to understand why the victim doesn’t simply leave the abuser, we need to understand that the victim is struggling with an addiction, the same way a drug addict struggles with drug addiction.

The beginning stages of trauma bonds are formed when the abuser love-bombs the victim, causing a massive release of feel-good hormones such as dopamine and oxytocin. The love bombing is quickly followed by narcissistic abuse which appears suddenly and unexpectedly, plunging the victim into a downward spiral of shock and betrayal that can be compared to a drug addict going into withdrawal.

Most of us have grown up with an idea of “falling in love” that comes from the media, which equates falling in love with being under someone’s spell – thinking about them constantly, longing to be with them all the time, being unable to think rationally and giving up your autonomy for the sake of the person you fall in love with. This unfortunately sets us up to form trauma bonds with narcissists. If we expect love to look like the version we see in movies, we become prime targets for narcissists because we mistake the neurochemical addiction that occurs with love. We need to understand that love should not feel like an addiction and should not be painful or an emotional roller-coaster. Love should be joyful, harmonious and fulfilling.

Signs of trauma bonding:

The victim defends the relationship even though everyone around them has a negative reaction towards it. When friends, family members or others tell you that they don’t like the person you’re in a relationship with, it is wise to listen to what they have to say. If you find that you constantly have to defend your relationship, then there may be something you are not seeing. Many times, people outside the relationship can be more objective than you can. The reality is that many people, especially those who have been brought up by a narcissistic parent will not be able to detect when they are being emotionally abused. They may be so used to living with narcissistic abuse that they lose their ability to see it when it is happening to them. However painful it may be, listening to what others have to say about your relationship, especially those who love you and have nothing to gain from breaking up your relationship is the smart thing to do.
The victim is obsessed with the abuser even after they leave. A victim of trauma bonding will be unable to forget the abuser even when they abandon them. The victim continues longing for the abuser, missing him and hoping he will come back. The victim becomes trapped in an unending cycle of abuse, abandonment and betrayal followed by love. The victim is unable to move on as they are left longing for a return to the loving times. This means that the victim remains suspended, waiting for the abuser to give them the love they so desperately crave. Even though the abuser caused them immense pain, they feel like they cannot live without them.
Others are horrified at something that has happened but the victim isn’t. The abuser may physically hurt the victim or engage in unacceptable behaviour, but the victim is unable to see the seriousness of the matter. The victim may insist that the abuser has changed or has apologised and they do not seem to be aware of just how serious the abuse is. This is a clear sign of trauma bonding.
The victim feels loyal to the abuser and hides secrets that would be damaging to the abuser. The victim shows loyalty to the abuser even though it is completely undeserved. The victim identifies with the abuser and protects them, keeping the truth about the abuse to themselves. In this way, the abuser goes on with their lives and even abuses others without the threat of being exposed.
The victim continues to seek contact with the abuser even though it will cause them pain. This creates a cycle of breaking up and coming back together or the on-again-off-again type of relationship. Even though the abuser constantly betrays and hurts the victim, the victim is unable to stay away. This is why they say that it takes seven attempts before a victim finally breaks free from an abusive relationship. Even though the relationship is bad for them, they keep going back. The victim essentially becomes alienated from themselves and is unable to protect themselves. That instinct of self-preservation that motivates us to protect ourselves from harm is broken and the sense of self is shattered. The victim becomes conditioned to act in ways that are contrary to their own self-interest.
The victim becomes drawn to dangerous individuals. As a result of being in an abusive relationship, the victim develops a pattern in which they seek out or are attracted to dangerous individuals. It is almost as if they want to keep replaying their initial abuse or find such relationships thrilling. This is why it is so important to take time to heal after an abusive relationship before getting into another relationship. If you were in an abusive relationship and managed to get out, it is advisable to take time to understand why you ended up in such a relationship in the first place and to heal whatever wounds caused you to end up with such a person. Failure to do so risks repeating the same pattern over and over again.
The victim tries to change or save the abuser instead of just walking away. Many victims of abuse find themselves obsessively trying to change the abuser or feeling like they are the only ones who can save them. They develop a martyr complex which causes them to feel compelled to sacrifice themselves for the sake of the abuser. They are convinced that the abuser is a good person deep inside and that if they only make enough of an effort, the abuser will eventually change. But the reality is that abusers rarely change. The idea that you will change them is delusional. The best thing is to walk away and realise that it is not your responsibility or burden to change a toxic person.
The victim will go overboard in helping the abuser. Many abusers not only treat their victims badly but also commandeer their resources such as money or property. You will find victims who go out of their way to give money to the abuser or get them out of all sorts of situations. Even though the abuser has consistently proven themselves untrustworthy and unreliable, the victim will continue going out of their way to help them. In the end, the abuser may even take over the victim’s resources leaving them completely at their mercy.
The victim cannot leave the abuser even though they do not like, trust or care for the abuser. Trauma bonding is like drug addiction. Even though the victim does not like, trust or care for the abuser, they find themselves unable to leave. They will find ways to justify their continued attachment to the abuser, but the reality is that they are trapped in a cycle of reward and punishment that keeps them longing for the ever-decreasing crumbs of love that the abuser tosses their way. Even after they see the abuser for what he is, they still find it difficult to break the bond. It takes an almost herculean effort to break the emotional ties that bind the victims to the abuser.
The victim continues to play along even when things become dangerous or destructive. The victim is unable to leave the abuser even when their physical safety is compromised. Despite physical or sexual abuse, or even when loved ones beg them to leave, they continue staying with the abuser. They lose the desire or ability to resist the abuser, which is why in extreme cases, victims end up being killed by the abuser.
The victim continues trying to get the abuser to like them even though they clearly don’t care. The victim will try to do nice things for the abuser to get their attention. They will be kind to the abuser and become almost a doormat in an effort to please the abuser. They will walk on eggshells around the abuser, afraid to do anything that would anger them. Even when the abuser clearly shows that they do not care about them, the victim does everything in their power to get the abuser to show them the love they once showed them.
The victim trusts the abuser again and again even though they have proven unreliable. The victim uses emotional thinking when it comes to the abuser, i.e., they are unable to think logically or make logical decisions. Whenever the abuser abuses them, they manage to find ways to excuse the abusive behaviour – the abuser didn’t mean it, he was tired, the victim did something to annoy him, he will change, the victim just needs to try harder, no one understands the abuser, etc. The victim gives the abuser opportunity after opportunity to hurt them and never seems to learn from past actions. Just like drug addicts, they lose their ability to think rationally. It takes a tremendous amount of effort to overcome this way of thinking and stop making excuses for the abuser.
The victim chooses to stay in conflict with the abuser even though it would cost them nothing to walk away. The victim becomes so attached to the abuser that they engage in explosive fights with them rather than simply walk away from the relationship. Even when the relationship becomes so toxic that it makes no sense to continue in it, the victim stays put. They become afraid of losing the relationship even though they do not benefit in any way from being in a relationship with the abuser.
The abuser’s talent, charisma or contributions cause the victim to overlook destructive, exploitative or degrading behaviour. When the abuser is wealthy, a celebrity or in other ways an important person in society, the victim convinces themselves that they need to remain in the relationship. They view the abuser as superior to them and are unable to appreciate their own self-worth. They feel flattered by the abuser’s attention which causes them to ignore the abuse. This is why we hear of celebrities abusing people with impunity. Their wealth and position in society shield them from being answerable for their crimes.
The victim stays in a relationship longer than they should. Long after the relationship has become toxic and unbearable, the victim remains with the abuser using all sorts of justifications. They may have children together, joint property or businesses, or they may be unwilling to leave due to their history together. The victim is unable to see themselves as an individual deserving of happiness and a fulfilled life. They see themselves only as part of a couple. They are unable to envision life without the abuser. They may become so accustomed to the abuse that they normalise it and minimise it. Their self-worth is completely shattered by years of emotional abuse.
The victim sees how the abuser abuses others but thinks of themselves as the exception. In some cases, the victim is so convinced that the abuser loves them that even though they see how badly he treats other people, they still believe that they are the exception. The victim is unable to see that they too are a victim of the abuser. They think the abuser would never treat them badly because they are special or loved. Getting them to open their eyes and see the abuser for what he is may take quite some effort.
The victim internally sees the abuser as their controller. This causes the victim to constantly have internal conversations in which they justify themselves to the abuser. Whatever they do, they see the abuser as the one whose approval they need. They see themselves through the judgmental eyes of the abuser, feeling shame when they feel like they are letting them down or feeling as if they need to live up to the abuser’s expectations. The abuser becomes like God to the victim, the person they see looking over their shoulder in everything they do. The abuser is given too much power in the victim’s life, causing them to always conform to the abuser’s wishes. It takes intense introspection for the victim to become aware of the amount of control the abuser has over them.

How to overcome trauma bonding:

Recognize the trauma bond – One of the greatest barriers to overcoming trauma bonding is recognizing that you have one. Even though we may be aware that we are in a toxic relationship with someone, in most cases people just don’t realize that they have formed a trauma bond with the person. They do not understand that the reason they cannot simply leave even though they recognize the abuse is that they have formed a trauma bond with them. People who have been brought up by narcissistic parents are particularly prone to this. People in close relationships with psychopaths are also blind to their abusive nature due to their charming facades. If you’re in a toxic relationship which you are unable to leave even though you would like to, you should consider that you may have a trauma bond with the person.
Therapy – Breaking a trauma bond sometimes requires therapy. This is especially true for people who are trapped in abusive relationships with people who won’t easily let them go. Many abusers will not just casually let their victims go – the reason they abuse their victims is precisely because they want to keep them bound to themselves. In extreme cases, some people could be trapped in cults or other organised groups that ritually abuse them in order to control them. These abusers will not just let them go without a fight. Such trauma bonds cannot be broken through sheer willpower – they require therapy from knowledgeable psychologists.
No contact – Once you realize that you have a trauma bond with someone, the best way to break it is to break off all contact with the person. Trauma bonds are the hardest relationships to break because of the emotional, addictive element. The way we respond to the abuser is a conditioned response. The brain is conditioned to bypass normal, rational thinking and therefore breaking free is as difficult as breaking a drug addiction. It will require great determination to break off contact with the person. You will need to block them on all social media, email, phone, etc. It might mean changing your phone number so that the person can’t reach you. It may be difficult at first but with time it gets easier as the brain adjusts to functioning without the constant highs and lows.
Limit contact – In cases where it is completely impossible to break off contact, for example if you are co-parenting with the person, try as much as possible to limit contact with the person. Don’t talk to them unless it is absolutely necessary. Avoid face-to-face meetings or phone calls that could devolve into shouting matches. Determine the most impersonal way of communicating such as email or short, factual text messages and stick to that. Create as much distance between the two of you to weaken and eventually break the trauma bond.
Stop emotional thinking – The reason many people keep going back to abusive relationships is that they develop emotional thinking which keeps sabotaging their efforts to break free. Rather than use logic, they default to a way of thinking that allows them to justify going back to the abuser. Even if the person has proven again and again that they are unreliable, the victim still convinces themselves that this time will be different. Even if the person has clearly shown through their bad treatment that they do not love the victim, they continue telling themselves that the abuser loves them. Even if they have shown themselves to be an abusive, cruel person, the victim still tells themselves that deep down they are a good person. In other words, the victim is not using logic because their brain is bypassing the logical, analytical mind. If you recognise this type of thinking in yourself, you’ll need to counter the lies with cold logic based on an observation of the abuser’s behaviour.
Honour your feelings – Another reason it is so hard to break trauma bonding is that the victim learns to bury their feelings and does not trust that what they feel is valid. They learn that their feelings are unimportant and therefore they learn to suppress them. If they were brought up by a narcissistic parent, this process would have started from early childhood and will be their default way of being. To break this pattern, you need to recognize that your feelings are just as important as anyone else’s. Listen to what your body tells you and know that it is valid and should not be ignored.
Enforce boundaries – Victims of abuse usually find it hard to enforce boundaries. They have learnt that their needs are not important and that they should put other people’s needs before their own. Therefore, they allow people to treat them badly over and over again. One of the hardest things for such people is to say no to bad treatment. They are reluctant to appear rude or hurt someone else’s feelings. What they don’t understand is that the person they are so eager to protect has no similar feelings towards them. The abuser will have no qualms about hurting them or treating them badly. It is therefore their responsibility to enforce boundaries and make the decision not to accept abusive behaviour.

Unmasking the Covert Narcissist

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When you think of a narcissist, what is the first thing that comes to mind? For most of us, what comes to mind is the brash, aggressive, loud, confident person who will do anything to attract attention and whose ego walks into the room even before they do. This is the traditional view of the narcissist which many of us are aware of and it’s not incorrect, it’s just that this is nowhere near the full story. The reality is that there is a form of narcissism that is hidden from view, that is hard to detect except to the trained eye and if anything, is even more dangerous than overt narcissism which can be spotted from a mile away. This hidden form of narcissism is what is known as covert narcissism.

A narcissist, whether overt or covert is driven by the compulsion to have certain underlying needs met, which is what leads to their narcissistic, selfish behaviour. We know that narcissists crave attention, and while the overt narcissist will force you to meet this need through aggressive and unreasonable demands, the covert narcissist will use manipulation to get you to meet their needs. They may do this for example through pity plays whereby they portray themselves as the victim of life’s unfairness. The underlying need for attention is the same in both narcissists, it’s just that the strategy for meeting the need is different. We also know that narcissists have an inflated sense of their own importance. While the overt narcissist will openly show their inflated ego by putting down others or trying to outdo them, the covert narcissist will display this in more subtle ways such as through the belief that they are always right, which means they will hardly ever listen to or consider or accept others’ views. Covert narcissists also lack empathy just like overt narcissists do, it’s just that the covert narcissist hides their lack of empathy through the good-guy act. The overt narcissist simply doesn’t care what you think of his behaviour towards you while the covert narcissist is always haunted by the threat of exposure and will therefore go to great lengths to hide their real self. They will sabotage you while pretending to be innocently unaware of what they are doing, maybe even apologizing profusely when you confront them, but this is just an act. At their core, they are not good people and will behave in the same ways over and over again, all the while pretending to be the good guy.

The overt narcissist simply doesn’t care what you think of his behaviour towards you while the covert narcissist is always haunted by the threat of exposure and will therefore go to great lengths to hide their real self.

The interesting thing about covert narcissists is that they genuinely believe they are the good guys. You will find this type of narcissist hidden behind a façade of godliness, family man, best friend, advisor, counsellor, etc. The most dangerous thing about the covert narcissist is that you won’t see them coming. At least with the overt narcissist, once you know how to identify the signs, it becomes very easy to spot them and thus keep your distance. With the covert narcissist, it’s a whole new ball game. This person could be in your life for decades, draining your energy and driving you almost to the point of insanity, but you will never know that you are dealing with a narcissist. Many people in long term relationships with covert narcissists attribute their troubled relationships to normal relationship hiccups that can be resolved if only they are patient enough, put in enough effort or love their partner enough. But despite everything, the relationship never gets better, it only keeps getting worse until eventually after decades of suffering, they may decide to throw in the towel and leave. The irony is that to the outside world, it will always appear as if they were married to the perfect person, the ultimate good guy, and no one will understand why they decided to leave.

What could cause a narcissist to go into stealth mode? In many cases, it may be because the narcissist himself was brought up by a narcissistic parent and they learnt early enough that they had to hide their own narcissism in order to survive their narcissistic parent. They simple learnt other ways of meeting their narcissistic needs without antagonizing their narcissistic parent. It could also be that the narcissist simply developed the most efficient way of meeting his needs in line with his personality. While the overt narcissist will use aggression and force to have his needs met, the covert narcissist simply learnt that he is most likely to have his needs met through manipulation. Therefore, the underlying need is still being met, it’s just that each type of narcissist uses a different strategy to achieve this.

So now that we know that narcissists do not all behave the same, how do we identify the covert narcissist and keep ourselves from falling into their dangerous traps? Well, there are some signs to look out for that could help you identify this type of person but you need to pay close attention as they are subtle and will likely not ring any alarm bells at the beginning of a relationship. If you are already in a long term relationship with a covert narcissist, these signs will help you understand what you are dealing with and why no matter how hard you try your relationship never seems to settle down into an easy, harmonious ride but is always full of bumps.

They are passive-aggressive

A covert narcissist will never confront you head-on; they would rather hide their aggression and fury and passively confront you. For example, they may retreat behind a wall of silence, giving you the silent treatment which may go on for extended periods. By not confronting you directly but rather showing their displeasure in this manner, it enables them to maintain their good-guy image and at the same time manipulate you into wanting to restore the peace. For normal people, the silent treatment is an unbearable punishment that hits you at your very core making you want to do anything to end it, even if it means apologizing and taking the blame for something that was not your fault. The covert narcissist lacking in empathy can employ sustained silent treatments without themselves feeling the pain that a normal person feels. Other forms of passive-aggression they employ include coming late or not showing up for meetings or dates thereby communicating how unimportant you are. They may also embarrass you with other people present knowing that you can do nothing about it, then later behave as if nothing happened or as if it was all innocent fun. If you suspect you may be in a relationship with a covert narcissist, think about all the ways they treat you badly while still maintaining an image of themselves as the good guy. Think of the ways they make it look like they are not really doing anything while you who are on the receiving end know they are doing something and whatever it is they are doing is hurtful.

2. They think of themselves as victims

The covert narcissist always has a sob story from their past that they use to manipulate you into pitying them and giving them the attention they need. They will talk about how their last girlfriend cheated on them, how their parents divorced when they were young and they never got over it, how their boss has it in for them and is making their life miserable, how their colleagues at work are jealous and take all the credit for their achievement, how they were abused as children, how they lost their jobs and can’t find a new one, etc. The thing is, no one is denying that bad things happen to people all the time. The fact is, bad things do happen to everyone, but one way or the other, we learn to cope, we overcome these problems and maybe even learn from them and grow to become better people. We were never meant to remain in the same place years later, blaming all our problems on our parents’ divorce or our cheating spouse. We are supposed to learn our lessons from whatever happened and move on to become better people. The covert narcissist however will not want to move on from whatever happened in the past. They will use this victimhood to paint themselves in a positive light or to make themselves appear like a martyr. They will drain your energy with their constant need for validation and reassurance which goes beyond the normal need for comfort that one experiences immediately after something bad happens to them. The covert narcissist will wear their victimhood like a cloak that is constant and unchanging which therefore means they need to be handled with tender loving care all the time. Mind you meanwhile, they will not be interested in hearing about your suffering but will expect you to provide a listening ear to their woes. It is a constant need for attention that will eventually drain you and drive you up the wall.

3. They lack emotional availability

One hallmark of narcissists is their lack of emotional availability and this is true of the covert narcissist as well. If you’re in a long-term relationship with a covert narcissist, you will feel alone in the relationship. They will be there with you in the physical sense, but you might as well be alone in the relationship for all the emotional support you will get from them. Whereas they will expect you to listen to them and support them in whatever they may be going through, the same courtesy will not be accorded to you. Your issues will be minimized if not dismissed altogether, while their issues will be made to feel life-threatening and all-important. They will suck all your emotional energy until you constantly feel drained, but they will never invest their emotions in you. If you go through difficulties, be it a job loss, difficulties at work, or the loss of a loved one, you will do it alone. While the covert narcissist will be good at making all the right noises e.g., claiming to want to work at the relationship, with time you will realize that that’s all they are, noises, but underneath there is no real interest in making the changes necessary to make the relationship work. If you find yourself feeling as if you are all alone in a relationship, then your partner could be a covert narcissist.

4. They will never compliment you

When you’re in a normal, healthy relationship with a normal, healthy person, you will always find things about each other that you appreciate, that you want to compliment. With a covert narcissist, this will be strangely absent. Due to their inner insecurities or perhaps inflated ego, they will never want to admit that you can do anything good or anything worthy of complimenting. Behind this is also the fact that the narcissist probably envies you for the qualities you have that they will never have. Ironically, these qualities are the same ones that drew the narcissist to you, that made you a target, but once in a relationship with them, they will envy you for your positive qualities and thus you will never hear a compliment come out of their mouths. At the end of the day, a narcissist wants to feel like they are better than you, hence the subtle put-downs you experience from them. They will deny you the satisfaction of feeling good about something you have done or a positive quality you possess. Think of the sullen bully in the playground who feels bad when everyone is happy and having a good time. How likely is it that this kind of person will ever compliment you for the good in you when anything good in you only draws attention away from them?

5. They are empty inside

When you spend enough time with a narcissist, there is one thing that will always gnaw at you at the back of your mind. This person feels empty in a way that you can’t quite put your finger on. With time, you start realizing that you don’t know who this person is however long you have been with them. Whereas with a normal, healthy person, you will always get a sense of who they are in terms of their likes and dislikes, their beliefs, their opinions, their quirks and proclivities, with a covert narcissist you will get the sense almost like they are playing a role. You will almost feel like they don’t know who they are because they are like chameleons that adapt to whatever environment they are in. Sometimes you will feel as if they are taking on your characteristics; for example, if at some point in the past you expressed interest in something, you will hear them later proclaim interest in the same thing without ever mentioning that they got the idea from you. You will also notice that they subtly behave like whoever they happen to be hanging out with at the time. This emptiness is a particular trait of narcissists whereby they adapt to whatever environment they are in and become whoever they need to be in order to have their needs met. With a covert narcissist, this is very subtle and you may not notice it as easily as you will notice it with the overt narcissist who will display his emptiness conspicuously in his eagerness to draw you in. With the covert narcissist, this is, unfortunately, something you may only notice after a long time of being with them. You may experience this almost as a niggling feeling, a question in your mind that surfaces from time to time: who are you?

6. They have troubled relationships

Due to their difficult nature, narcissists have one characteristic in common and that is their troubled relationships. With the overt narcissist, this will not be so difficult to understand as their aggressive, ruthless or openly brutal nature is easy to observe. With the covert narcissist, it will be more subtle. Although they come across as good guys, you will find that they have many troubled relationships at work, at home, with ex-partners, with siblings, parents or even with people who were previously their friends. The reality is, even though they may be able to fool some people with their good guy act, their underlying selfishness will always cause problems in their relationships. Naturally, with their victimhood mentality, they will have various ways to justify these troubled relationships and they may somehow succeed in fooling you. But the longer you stay with them, the more you will start to question whether the problem is the other people or the problem lies with them. It’s normal of course to have one or two troubled relationships, but if you observe this pattern consistently manifest itself in all their relationships, then you need to start questioning the narrative which paints them as the victim. Is it true that they cannot hold a job because all their bosses somehow have it in for them? Is it probable that all their colleagues are jealous of their accomplishments? Is it possible that all their exes are evil, manipulative people? Or is the problem seated right there in front of you in form of the covert narcissist?

7. They feel as if they own you

If you have been with a narcissist for any length of time, you will start having the vague feeling that this person thinks they own you. They will somehow want to curtail your freedoms, they will want to know where you’re going and what you’re doing and who you’re with, they will want to control what you do with your money, how you dress, who your friends are, etc. It is almost as if they see you as an extension of themselves. Rather than seeing you as a human being in your own right with your own personhood, they see you as part of them. With the covert narcissist, this will be done in subtle ways such as going through your phone, using sarcasm to manipulate you into doing what they want, lecturing you about the kind of people you hang out with, etc. While the overt narcissist will aggressively exert their control over you through brutal force, the covert narcissist will manipulate you into doing what he wants for example by questioning your choices, by mocking what you want to do, or by pretending to be concerned about you. In the end, without quite understanding why you will feel that this person thinks they own you and they are convinced of their right to exert their will over you.

While the overt narcissist will aggressively exert their control over you through brutal force, the covert narcissist will manipulate you into doing what he wants for example by questioning your choices, by mocking what you want to do, or by pretending to be concerned about you.

8. They think they know it all / they think they are God

When you spend enough time in a relationship with a covert narcissist, you will realize that the possibility that they could ever be wrong seldom crosses their mind. As far as they are concerned, they are always right and thus it is their way or the highway. It is almost as if they think they are God, so convinced are they of how right they are or how wise their views are. Whatever opinion or view they have seems to them to have come straight from God, thereby affirming their oneness with God. And if they are one with God, aren’t they then God? If God is speaking through them, doesn’t that then mean that when they speak it is the voice of God that is speaking? And if you argue with them, aren’t you arguing with God? If you happen to be with the religious types, they will be firm believers in the ideology that God has placed his mantle of leadership on them and thus they have a God-given right to rule over you. They will firmly believe in the natural hierarchy or order of things whereby God speaks to them and they, in turn, speak God’s word to you. It will never occur to them that God could speak directly to you. So firm is their conviction that we might as well dispense with the necessity of having a God who is separate from them and instead consider them as God Himself in the flesh.

10 Tips to Avoid Being Ensnared by a Narcissist

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A narcissist is a predator. He’s like a hungry lion searching for prey and if you happen to be among the unaware masses, then watch out. He may be headed your way and he hopes you continue in your ignorance as to his true nature as this serves his purposes quite well. The idea that a human being could prey upon another human being the same way animals in the wild do is something most people will instinctively find hard to accept. But information about narcissists is becoming more wide spread in the collective consciousness and we are starting to wake up to the fact that there is a type of being out there that preys on others for energy. You may have heard the term ‘energy vampire’ mentioned before and you probably thought it was new age nonsense that has nothing to do with real life. Well, now we know that there are indeed human beings out there who prey on others for emotional energy and they may not be as rare as we all thought.

Have you ever spent time with someone and thereafter you were left feeling emotionally drained? Maybe they dumped all their problems on you and kept going on and on about how unfair life is to them and you found yourself comforting and reassuring and soothing and validating and on and on and on until finally you felt utterly exhausted? Or alternatively, have you ever had a conversation with someone that left you feeling bad about yourself or feeling low or anxious or like a failure? Maybe they made some subtle digs at you, gave you some back handed complements, made you feel incompetent, like a loser, etc. Have you noticed that every time you talk to this person, you’re somehow left feeling the same way every single time? It could be a close friend, a colleague, a supervisor, a manager, a family member, etc. This person could very well be an energy vampire or what is more commonly known as a narcissist. A narcissist is simply someone with an inflated sense of self (grandiosity), a need for constant validation and a lack of emotional empathy. A narcissist feeds off other people’s energy by either drawing positive energy from them (validation, praise, flattery etc.) or negative energy (anger, anxiety, fear, shame, etc.) The bad news is that most of us have one or more of such people in our lives. The good news is that there are ways to protect yourself from being ensnared by a narcissist and especially more so as their intimate partner.

A narcissist is simply someone with an inflated sense of self (grandiosity), a need for constant validation and a lack of emotional empathy.

If you’re lucky, then you’ve only ever encountered a narcissist from afar e.g., at work, in school, etc. and it is relatively easy to keep your distance once you know what they are. For some people however, the narcissist somehow manages to snake his way into their life and becomes a significant other such as a spouse, partner, girlfriend or boyfriend. Narcissist commonly show their true colours once the person is safely in their grip and will then unleash horrors such as physical and emotional abuse, manipulations, humiliation, financial ruin, mental torture and so much more. Getting out of these abusive situations proves almost impossible for many victims due to co dependence that comes about from trauma bonding. The easiest way to beat a narcissist is to avoid falling into his trap in the first place.

Narcissists as predators generally go to great lengths to identify their prey and they usually prefer targets with empathetic traits such as kindness, compassion, decency, truthfulness, humility, politeness, caring, etc. Once identified, the narcissist goes all out in his seduction of the unsuspecting target and if unaware, the target won’t stand a chance. Remember: the narcissist does not love you and is actually incapable of love; he only loves what he can get from you. The ten tips below should help you avoid becoming ensnared by one.

Beware of the love bombing

In their haste and eagerness to ‘own’ you, the narcissist will engage in what is commonly known as love bombing. This is whereby the narcissist bombards you with an exaggerated form of seduction which involves taking you out on expensive dates, buying you gifts, declaring his love through poetry, constantly texting you and calling you and visiting you and basically taking you on a whirlwind romance. You will not know where he came from but suddenly, he will be all over your social media, your phone, your house, even your place of work. You will literally be swept off your feet. Now, the average person will most probably never have encountered this type of seduction and will likely find all the attention flattering and irresistible. Unfortunately, this is all a big performance. It is meant to dazzle you and blind you to the narcissist’s true intention which is to get you addicted to him as quickly as possible. Obviously, a seduction of this magnitude cannot be sustained for a long period and thus you need to be acquired as quickly as possible (note: the narcissist sees you as an object to be acquired). If you meet someone who seduces you in this manner, be careful. You just may have fallen into the hands of narcissist.

2. Notice the pushy behaviour

One of the things you will notice about a narcissist is that he is very pushy in the early stages of his seduction. He will want you to spend the night with him after the first date and will push through any resistance you may have. He will tell you he loves you by the second date and will push you to say you love him back. He will want you to move in together after three weeks and will come up with all manner of clever arguments to counter your resistance. You will always feel as if the relationship is moving much faster than you would like it to but your reservations will be cleverly sidestepped as the narcissist takes the love bombing a notch higher. The usual milestones that would normally take a much longer time will be achieved within no time. The narcissist is eager to make you his and not in a good way. Remember, the narcissist sees you as nothing more than a good source of energy even though he may not consciously be aware of this. Such a wonderful source of energy cannot be allowed to get away but must be obtained through any means possible.

3. Observe his lack of respect for your boundaries

Boundaries mean nothing to a narcissist. Due to his self-absorbed nature and lack of emotional empathy, he will not be thinking about you as he carries out his seduction but rather will be thinking about himself and getting his needs met. Any boundary you put up will likely be trampled over and ignored. A narcissist is all about using you for his own pleasure. He sees you as an object and even as he seduces you, this will come across through a lack of respect for your boundaries. He won’t care that you’d rather not do certain things and will keep pushing and pushing until all your resistance is worn out. Narcissists lack empathy and have a sense of entitlement while their victims generally have a natural tendency to be polite and have difficulty saying no. The narcissist will therefore delight in taking more and more and will display a callous disregard for your feelings. If you find yourself with someone who constantly oversteps your boundaries, then it’s likely you are dealing with a narcissist.

4. Is he mirroring you?

Narcissist not only lack emotional empathy, they also lack the positive love-based emotions such as joy, happiness, compassion, generosity, etc. Due to their inability to feel these emotions, they are left with no option but to mirror your emotions back to you in order to make it look like they feel the same way you do. Not only that but they will also mirror your likes and dislikes, your interests, your preferences, etc. This mirroring is quite subtle and if you are caught up in the love bombing you may not actually notice. In effect what is happening is that you are falling in love with yourself. The narcissist being completely empty inside has to come up with a fake persona and you being their target will form the template for this construct. They will in effect become you in order to ensnare you. You need to be wary if someone seems to be oddly similar to you. Before you start rejoicing thinking you have finally found the person of your dreams who shares the same values and interests as you, remember if something seems too good to be true, it probably is.

5. Does he lack respect for those he considers ‘beneath’ him?

One of the well-known characteristics of a narcissist is his or her sense of superiority. He most likely feels superior to you but this side of him will not be coming out any time soon (he will save that for after the seduction). However, he will not be able to hide his disdain when dealing with someone he considers beneath him. When dealing with service staff such as waiters, gardeners, security guards or cleaners, his feelings of superiority will naturally come to the fore. In fact, he may try to impress you by being rude to such people since in his twisted mind it shows how powerful he is. He may treat you like royalty but he won’t be able to refrain from treating other people like trash. This is a dead giveaway that you should not ignore especially when taken together with the other signs.

6. Avoid online dating and chat rooms

The internet must have been one of the happiest inventions as far as narcissists are concerned. Being a predator in need of prey, the internet makes hunting so much easier for him. From the comfort of his home, the narcissist can have a much wider reach than he would ever have hoped for if his only option was face to face interaction. Social media might as well have been created specifically for narcissists as their kind are the ones who are best served by this technology. Online dating sites and chat rooms are especially crawling with narcissists and if you’re using these forums as a way of meeting people and socializing, you are like little red riding hood walking all alone and defenseless in the woods. You are literally swimming with sharks and it won’t be long before you find yourself trapped by one of their kind. There is no accountability in the virtual world which allows them to easily engage in tactics such as catfishing, ghosting, hooking up with multiple people, using fake profiles, the list is endless. Just save yourself the trouble and avoid these forums.

7. Avoid magical thinking

Do you believe in soulmates? Twin flames? Do you believe everyone has that special person they’re supposed to meet at some point in their lives? Do you believe your other half is out there waiting for the day you’ll meet so that they complete you? If you have these kinds of beliefs, then you’re vulnerable to being deceived by a narcissist. These beliefs have their roots in Greek mythology; apparently at some point our soul divided into two and we are destined to spend lifetime after lifetime searching for our other half and we will never truly be happy until we find them. So, when the narcissist comes along and bombards you with his fake love, you’re more likely to fall for his lies since you’re likely to feel that you’ve finally found your soulmate. You are also more likely to hold on to the relationship when things start going south believing that what you have is meant to be. You need to watch out for this kind of magical thinking. You are a whole person, there is no one out there who is coming to complete you.

8. Listen to yourself

How do you feel when you are with the person seducing you? Do you feel uneasy, anxious, as if something is not quite right? This could be your subconscious mind warning you of something your conscious mind is not able to see. Do you feel like you are constantly walking on egg shells when with him? Narcissists are known for their fury which lies just beneath the surface and although this is usually well hidden during the seduction phase, you may well be able to sense it if say you criticize him or go against something he wants. It’s important to listen to yourself and not dismiss your feelings. Those who grew up with narcissistic parents may have a harder time with this as they have been taught to suppress their feelings or that their feelings don’t matter. They are used to behaving contrary to what they feel so they may not be alert to what their feelings are telling them. This is why those who were brought up by narcissistic parents are more likely to end up with narcissistic partners. Their internal defense mechanism is pretty much broken. One of the things you need to do when dating is to listen to yourself, listen to what your body is telling you and honor those feelings. You are under no obligation to get into a relationship if it doesn’t feel right even if this is just a vague feeling that you can’t quite put into words.

9. Don’t fall for future faking

One of the weapons a narcissist wields against his victim is future faking. This is whereby a narcissist will very early on in a relation start talking about your future together e.g., marriage, kids, where you will live, places you will travel to, etc. If you’ve been with someone for a reasonable length of time, maybe a year or so, then it is perfectly acceptable to start talking about your future together. With a narcissist however, this will be done too early, maybe even by the second date or so. The purpose of course is to bind you to him by making you feel as if he is very serious about you. You may be flattered or feel special that he thinks this way about you so soon after meeting you. It changes the way you look at the relationship. The narcissist is cleverly taking advantage of what in most people is a very strong desire. This obviously raises the stakes and makes it much harder for you to leave him. If the person you just started dating starts talking about marriage or how many children you will have and what their names will be, beware. You may well be in the arms of a narcissist.

10. Honor your needs

Narcissist usually target empaths. Why? Because these are the kind hearted, caring, decent human beings who will only be too happy to put everyone else’s needs before their own. Narcissists know that the empath will always be giving and the narcissist is only too happy to always be taking. Not only will he want to take everything you have to offer but it will not be enough for him. One of the things you need to learn to do in order to avoid falling into the trap of a narcissist is to learn how to ask for your needs to be met. Your needs are just as important as anyone else’s and there is no reason why you should always have to sacrifice your needs for someone else. If you’ve just started dating someone, ask for something to gauge their reaction. Ask to be taken to a certain restaurant or some place you’d like to go. A narcissist wants to be in control and will want to be in charge of how the seduction unfolds. Remember, this is all a grand performance on his part. He is not genuinely giving anything to you because giving is not in his nature. His focus is on one thing and one thing only. To make you his. If you start asking for things, he will not want to do it. The charming façade will most likely start slipping. The other side of this coin is if you refuse the narcissist something he really wants. With his sense of entitlement and lack of respect for boundaries, he will not readily accept or respect your refusal to do what he wants. You might find that the seduction will not proceed quite so well if you turn out to be the kind of person who asks for things or refuses him things.

Harry and Meghan: An Opportunity to Choose Love

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I have been following the unfolding story of Harry and Meghan from afar with a lot of interest. I really shouldn’t care so much what happens to these two people – I’m a Kenyan after all and it has absolutely nothing to do with me. And yet, I find myself fascinated. I keep asking myself, why is there so much hatred directed at this young couple? From all appearances, they seem to be a loving, attractive and well-meaning couple. They seem to genuinely want to do good not just for Britain but for the world at large. By all measures, Britain should be proud of this couple given the goodwill they bring to the country, not to mention the billions of dollars in revenue that flows into the British economy from the world’s fascination with the royal family in general and Harry and Meghan in particular. But inexplicably, Harry and Meghan seem to be getting attacked and vilified from every direction pretty much from day one, while the rest of the country watches in silence. Apart from a few voices of support here and there, most notably from the women MPs who wrote an open letter to Meghan, no one else seems to care about what is happening. It just doesn’t make sense to an outsider. And worse still, apparently they are expected to just take whatever abuse is hurled at them in silence, simply because they are public officers paid from public coffers. In essence, what they are being told is that in exchange for the priviledge of living in a castle, they should expect and accept all kinds of abuse from pretty much anyone who chooses to do so.

It’s not Harry and Meghan they are fighting per se. It is this dangerous idea this couple represents that must be fought at all costs. It is the idea that all human beings are the same, that there is no difference between white, black, yellow, brown, red, etc.

Now, again, I really shouldn’t care how the British people choose to treat their fellow citizens, but for some reason, I feel pain for Harry and Meghan. Maybe it’s because I’ve followed their story ever since they first appeared in public together. Like millions of other people all over the world, I watched their fairy tale wedding and I just couldn’t get over their beauty as a couple, and what they represent.

And herein I think lies the problem. It’s what they represent, this idea that they embody that seems to be so offensive, so repugnant to some people, that they feel the need to come guns blazing, bulging eyes red with fury and hatred. It’s not Harry and Meghan they are fighting per se. It is this dangerous idea this couple represents that must be fought at all costs. It is the idea that all human beings are the same, that there is no difference between white, black, yellow, brown, red, etc. We are all the same. This is the idea Harry and Meghan represent, which must be resisted at all costs. There are people, forces as Harry called them, that cannot stand this idea. Harry and Meghan seem to be telling the world that race and colour mean nothing. Any two people can fall in love and marry and live happily ever after and it doesn’t matter who they are or where they are from. These same forces fought Princess Diana because she represented something else they hate. She was different. Different is dangerous. Different means change and change is threatening to those who want to maintain the status quo. They cannot stand the idea that the world is changing, that people’s consciousness is raising, that we are beginning to see our common humanity, our oneness as human beings. And this is the opportunity Harry and Meghan give to Britain and to the world. Through their love, they are showing us the direction we need to be moving in. Without love for each other, without seeing and acknowledging our common humanity, how do we hope to solve the problems the world is faced with at the moment? The world is in chaos right now, because of our inability to see that there is no difference between us, that when we hurt each other, we hurt ourselves. When you drop a bomb at your neighbour’s doorstep, guess what? You may not see it, but you are hurting yourself. We have to live in this world. We mess it up, we live in the mess. We have an opportunity to say NO to hatred and YES to love. Let’s not just sit back and remain silent and allow the forces of hatred to win. Let’s choose LOVE.